I am preparing for my ielts exam. Pls, check and correct my essay. Also, can someone write problems in my writing skills, because it is very important to me. Thx in advance :)
Topic: In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest?
Poor student behavior is a major problem faced by schools in the recent years. I would like to provide reasons to clarify my opinion about this statement.
In the first place, there are several reasons which can cause a bad student behavior in school. One of them is lack of family roll that is indispensable in a child's treatment. For example, when students have a problem with their parents, they feel sad and depressed, Most of the time, they think about the ways how to solve this problem. As a consequence, when the students face conditions that impair normal operation with their family, their bad behavior is inescapable.
Another reason for problematic behavior among children is that some of them have inadequacies with their financial issues which contribute to their bad behavior in their school. In addition to this point, the children will not have an incentive to continue their studying and it results in missing their classes. Take the case of, the child will work part time or do illegal things, for instance, stealing money from others in order to pay his tuition fees. In fact, these circumstances make the students exhausted and help enlarge their unfavorable behavior.
As a solution, from my point of view, both parents and teachers have to be careful about their attitude to the children. Parents have to pay more attention to their children. What is more, there is a slogan that ''Speak to people in their language''. In this regard, I believe that in some cases, it would be better if teachers try to be in touch with the children by following this slogan. Furthermore, by using this way, they can easily know the child's problem and solution for this trouble.
So based on all the above mentioned points, one can safely conclude that the reasons, for example, problems with family, lack of financial issues can cause a lawless behavior of the students in their school.
Based on IELTS Band Scale , I would give you :
4 Limited User
[b]Basic competence is limited to familiar situations. Has frequent problems in using complex language. Ask yourself ?
Does the essay have a suitable structure?
Does it have an introduction, body and conclusion?
Does it include connective words to make the writing cohesive within sentences and paragraphs?
Does the essay use suitable grammar and vocabulary?
Does it include a variety of sentence structures?
Does it include a range of appropriate vocabulary?
Does the essay meet the requirements of the task?
Does it meet the word limit requirements?
Your essay outline is fantastic
scribd.com/doc/3049229/IELTS-ESSAY-WRITING ( please access this link)
I'll give some more ideas here:
Poor student behavior is a major problem faced by schools in the recent years. I would like to provide reasons to clarify my opinion about this statement. (Right here, add a sentence that tells the reader the main message/idea of the essay)
One of them is lack of family support that is ...
You should not write "ways how to"
...think about the ways
how to solve this problem. ---It is okay just like this.
As a solution, from my point of view, both parents and teachers have to be careful about their attitude toward the children. -----Great sentence!! I only changed one word.
What is more, there is a slogan,
that ''Speak to people in their language."