Ielts part 1_Table: compares the data about the underground systems of railway in six cities

underground systems statistics

The table compares the data about the underground systems of railway in six cities.
It is noticeable from the table that the underground railway of London, which was built earliest in the six systems, is also the longest one. Besides, Tokyo's railway surpasses the others in delivering the number of passengers per annual.

Look clearly to the table, we can see that London opened its underground systems considerably early since 1983 while the railway system in Los Angeles is the newest, come into use in 2001, nearly 140 years later. Furthermore, the quantity of people in Tokyo travelling by underground railway per year stands in the leading position, by 1927 millions. In opposite, the systems in Kyoto and Los Angeles only serve no more than 50 millions passengers in one year period.

Moreover, the length of London's underground system is the greatest one, by 394 kilometers, twice the second longest one in Paris. However, Kyoto and Los Angeles own the shortest underground railway systems, just 11 and 28 kilometers respectively.

My first recommendation is for you to condense your writing. This is especially useful for ESL learners because it minimizes the possibility of you committing fundamental errors (run-on sentences, wrong usage of relative clauses and punctuation, etc.).

For instance, I would revise your second line as:
It can be seen from the table that the earliest underground railway of London is also its longest.
Simply shifting around the words would enable you to have more structure in your essay.
Review your usage of punctuation. You had a tendency to overuse it, disrupting the overall flow of your narration.
The overall outline of your essay can be quite confusing as well. I would suggest that you create a more organized approach to explaining the table. For instance, you can discuss firstly the history and the length of time that the railway has been up. Afterwards, you can delve into the quantity of flow of people who use the system itself.

Apart from that, I would suggest that you include the table next time so that we can provide a proper writing assessment.
Best of luck.