IELTS - Paying for clothes, haircuts and beauty products - just to enhance own appearence?

Many people spend a lot of money on clothes, haircuts, and beauty products to enhance their appearance. Some people think that it is a good way to spend money, while others think that there is a better way to spend it. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay was:

In the 21st century,Appearence of a person does matter,But at what cost does the appearence comes will matter. Appearence shows persons attitude,eligance and nature. Its obvious that everybody wants to look better,Its the intrincity of human beings to look better. In the world where hunger and poverty still prevails,Spending extra on appearence will be questioned and debated.

Not all human beings are having basic necessary things for living. For example countries like africa are having 70% of children suffering from malnutrition and another 25% of children and mother die at pregnency due to lack of necessary nutrients.Thus it makes sense to not spend extra money on appearence, On the other hand, there are benifits of looking good.

Today's modern world gives more importance for looks. There are business driven by looks like acting in cenima,Working in five start hotels etc. Where people need to spend extra money to maintain there looks.The extra money they spend will earn more reputation in the industry.A recent study shows that,People working in film industry have spend a miillion in 2014 for cosmetic makeup's and clothes. This clearly shows that people spend in millions on look and earn back in billions.

Hence spending extra money for appearence has both pros and cons.So in world where hunger and poverty still persists,Philanthrophy is the way to go,So that all get the basic necessary things for living.

The first problem with your essay is that you did not use the proper punctuation marks. You have commas where you should have periods, which leads to very confusing sentences as the thought process become interconnected instead of individualized. Causing confusion for the reader as the topics move from one to another continuously. You also have a problem with the way you use capital letters in your essay. The first word of every sentence after a period is always capitalized. The word that comes after a comma is not capitalized. Let me show a sample of these problems below:


This should have instead been written this way:
In the 21st century, the appearance of a person does matter. How much it costs for the person to look that way also matters. The appearance of a person shows his attitude, elegance, and nature. Everyone always wants to look better, and they will not hesitate to spend to achieve that look. In the era when hunger and poverty prevails, it is understandable why spending extra on appearance becomes a questionable and debatable matter.

Please be mindful of your punctuation marks, spelling, and capitalization usage. The reason your essay scored poorly is not based upon the content of what you wrote, what you wrote are pretty solid reasons. The problem, is that you were careless in the way you formatted and wrote the essay. Try to revise the essay using more care in the way you format and write your thoughts then post it here again. We can work with you on properly writing this paper if you are willing to rework it.

The main reason why you got 5 is that the essay contains only 229 words, which is less that the requirement of 250 words.
There are three main reasons that reduce the score to 5 or 5.5: 1) writing below 250 words; 2) not covering what the prompt asks, 3) very poor grammar and vocab. Your case belongs to the first point