People activities in sea as well as on land lead to the damaging environment; Ielts 2

hello !!
My name is agro, nice to meet you in this great forum.
I am a student of IELTS Course.
I need some feedbacks about Task Response, Grammatical Range & Accuracy, Coherence & Cohesion as well as Lexical Resource.

losing some species of animals due to human activities

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea.

What are the reasons and solutions ?

People activities in sea as well as on land drive to the damaging environment and finally cause the losing of animal species. This is inasmuch as industrialization of all sectors in human life producing a dangerous waste to environment. Secondly, the development of human living space does not consider the environmental issues. To deal with the problem, the industrialization in all sector should be decreased as a way to reduce waste and then the new space for human should be provided by considering environmental condition.

Industrialization is a part of people life style in the recent centuries. For example, a long time ago farming industries were being done by environmental friendly based technology which is safe for any species in the rice field areas. But nowadays, mechanization of any sectors including farming lead to the waste production which is often dangerous for around. Population of some animals such as frogs or lizards is going to decrease since the using of pesticide and inorganic fertilizer as well. Secondly, the land conversion to be human building keep pace with the soaring of human need in housing. This intention should not be a problem as long as the mechanism of creating new spaces does not damage animal habitats instead of doing reclamation or deforesting.

To overcome the problem, the speed of industrialization in any major should be reduced especially for those creating a poison waste. Inorganic fertilizer or pesticides industries for example, they should do re-thinking in their way of production to avoid the bad effect. Secondly, before opening some areas for human living, zonation area should be conducted to identify whether some area could be a housing or not. For example, the less productive land such as wilderness which could not be planted will be the best place for housing instead of an area near forest or beach.

To sum up, losing some species of animals due to human activities around the globe is clearly caused by industrialization in all parts which automatically produce a sort of dangerous waste. In addition, housing project is often being done by ignoring environmental issues. And the most attractive solutions are decreasing the industrial growing as well as doing mapping for knowing the categorization of land use.

Agro, you definitely have a problem when it comes to sentence structure, grammar, and vocabulary. However, these weaknesses do not detract from the understanding of your presentation. Through your imperfect English sentences, you have still managed to write an understandable paragraph that has a clear topic, supporting ideas, and examples (when possible). However, you have a tendency to use two topics in one paragraph which often leads to the under developed second topic explanation. Try to develop only one topic per paragraph for clarity and cohesiveness purposes. Leave the next topic for the next paragraph. That is easy to do since you have a total of 5 reasoning paragraphs allowable in each essay. You also need more consistency in your presentation. Do not use counting words in the middle of the essay or the paragraph if you did not start the paragraph by using such a reference. It creates confusion with the reader who has to then go back to the start of the paragraph to try to find out if they missed something in the presentation because of the sudden change in presentation format. Don't worry though, you properly accomplished the task requirements, including a relevant concluding summary.

While you have written the appropriate number of paragraphs and sentences per presentation, you have written too many words. Try to stay within the ideal word count of 250-300 words with 275 being the ideal presentation number because writing more than that deprives you of the opportunity to work on further improving your sentence and paragraph presentations, revising the essay for clarity purposes, and editing the content to be better understood by the reader.

Since this is your first essay with us, I am not going to score your work as of now. Only major observations of your problem points are necessary so that you can develop those parts in your next practice essay presentation. If I see enough improvement to warrant a scoring system, I will let you know exactly how and why you will be receiving such scores in that practice test.