Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes, and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions on matters affecting them.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
protective parents and children's ability to make their own choices
Nowadays, many people claim that the young ages have their choices to choose their lifestyle e.g (cuisine, shirt, and unwind activities). As a result, it will make their youngster only think about what they want. However, people argue that it is very crucial to the youth to make a choice that will influence them.
On the one sight, many parents give the permission to their child to take what they want. This is because to create their confidence when they are growing up. For instance, children when they are buying food, shirt or going to the some places, they can choose by themselves without waiting their parents decision where it might be taking a long time and will protect their freedom. In addition, nothing permission from their parents it would be children over control. For this reason, the youngster does not think about the effect of choosing unhealthy food, impolite dress, and visit a forbidden place. This case should be solved, parents not only give the youth freedom but also give understanding when they choose something.
On the other hand, most of the young children are protected by their parents to make a decision. This is because to safe they from the bad environment. In the young age, children need parents guidance to take something which one is good or bad. However, the strict control from the parents that will make a bad impact on the children character. For instance, children will be lack of confident when they are hanging out with some friends or choosing one thing they want to buy or visit. In case, this should be focused on parents decision which is children not only need the protection but also should give they are learning how to take a good decision.
In conclusion, both of the opinion has plus and minus, people need to concern to the what the children want and making decision when they need to choose something. My opinion is the good way to avoid the youth from over control and parents' protective is hearing what they want and give the suggestion to them which one is better or worse.
Hi @abang yoga
I've read your writing and I've noted down some points here:
Nowadays, many people claim ... As a result, it will make ... I think you should merge these 2 sentences to better the structure.[Many people hold the belief that granting the children the right to make decisions affecting their lives in terms of leisure activities, clothing, etc could result in a society of self-centered and selfish individuals. In the meantime, other people challenge such opinion with an argument that it is crucial to allow the children to decide their lifestyles from the early stage of life.However, people argue that it is very crucial ...Also, you may want to include a sentence to introduce your purpose of writing (a thesis statement) or your mark will be reduced remarkably.
On the one
sight side, many parents ... to take (do?) whatever they want. This is because because this to create boosts/ fortifies their confidence when they are growing up/ grow up. For instance, children when they are ... or going to the some places, ... without waiting for their parents' decision where itwhich might be taking a long time/ take a while and it will ... In addition, nothing permission ... impolite dress, and visit a forbidden place... Your idea in this part is unclear and hard to understand
On the other hand, (...) parents to make a decision.[maybe reconsider your wording to make it clearer?] This is because to
safe [GR] they from the bad environment. ... guidance to take something [differentiate] which one ... ... from the parents that will make havea bad impact (...) will be lack of confident confidence when they ...
In conclusion, both of the opinions hashave plus and minus, ... InMy opinion
is , the good way ...
So, in general, I think you should pay more attention to grammar. You've made some gramatical mistakes in terms of structure, tenses, etc., and also some typos. The reasoning of your writing is still confusing to me.
Best of luck,
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,939 3570
Yoga, I do not know where to begin in pointing out the mistakes of this essay because there are so many severe GRA, C&C, and TA mistakes that this is definitely an essay that will not muster enough of a collective score to pass the test.
For starters, your TA does not indicate the correct prompt instructions. As a result you only have a proper paraphrase of the discussion topic, but the reader has no idea what kind of discussion will take place based on the topic. The latter instruction is the most important part of the TA scoring requirements. That is why, without it, you will also just get a partial score for it.
All of your paragraphs are so badly developed that I do not even want to think about how low your C&C and GRA scores will be. All of the sentences are structurally faulty and cannot even pass for a proper simple sentence, which is what your essay was most likely aiming for but failed to do so. You must do more simple sentence development exercises in order to learn the proper method of writing a sentence with the correct subject-verb and subject-adjective agreements. There is simply no indication of you possibly being able to make yourself properly understood in English at this point. The paragraphs are stressful to read because it must be read several times before the reader can even try to guess what it is you are trying to explain.
While you did try to represent the two points of view in the best way that you know how, you failed to discuss a personal opinion as a stand alone paragraph. That is an essential part of the 3 body paragraph requirement. Without it, your essay becomes responsive only to a certain degree, which means it will not get a proper passing score for the Task Accuracy section in relation to the body paragraph discussions either. You cannot pass off a single sentence within the concluding paragraph as a personal opinion discussion. The personal opinion needs to be properly explained and developed as a separate paragraph.
In this instance, you did not write a proper summary conclusion either. It would be best if you reviewed the work of other students who practiced for this test first and learn from their essays and advice given to them. That way, you will also learn how to improve your writing. Just remember, to prepare for the test, you need to build your English vocabulary and your sentence development skills. Focus on that and you should be able to pass the test. Your English comprehension skills are somewhat developed already so that is good.
PS- When you write the word e.g. you should not enclose the succeeding example words in a parenthesis as those two go together. However, you can open a parenthesis, place the e.g. and accompanying words in it then close the parenthesis. Choose between the two proper formats the next time you use that word. It would be better if you just say "for example" and mention the examples instead. Don't try to be creative in writing when you can't even form the correct sentence structures yet.
Thanks for the feedback.
@chantieh Could you tell me what did you mean about "The reasoning of your writing is still confusing to me." ? Did I write a miss understanding with the topic?
Thank you @Holt
Your suggestion is really helpful.
i think :
the fifth line : the structure of the sentence is wrong because instead of : children when
they are ... --> children when buying food.....
morever, you can write : be lacking in/ lack sth. it's quite wrong to say : be lack of
hope it will help u