IELTS: Some people argue that the sole purpose of business is to make a profit - the more the better

Hello there.. i need feedback, i would appreciate any suggestion you may have.. thank you

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Since globalization era, it is much more easily for people to enter business world. While some people argue that the sole purpose of business is to make a profit - the more the better, i personally suggest that creating and maintaining customers should be considered for better future.

There has been an assumption that the only one goal of a business is to make money. However, like or not, money is regarded as the key role in business world since the needs of money to run business. Furthermore, all companies require capital to carry out business activities such as production sector and employees's salary. Moreover, according to entrepreneur magazine, making money is certainly an important result of company existence due to the big correlation between profitability of a business and the length of its existence. As a result, there is no doubt that making money is of paramount importance.

Apart from previous discussion, business shall also focus on making and preserving customers. As per Peter Drucker, a lecturer in Harvard University, said that customers are foundation of a business and keeps it in existence. This means that if society have trusted to company's products, they will never stray away to competitor's products. As a result, the business will be getting bigger due to the number of customers will increase. It is clear that more attention should be paid on customers.

The aforementioned evidence shows that although making money is essential in business world, customer's role should not be forgotten. However, i believe that maximize profit should take into account in order to survive in business world.

Tau, I am confused. Why is the title that you used for this essay related to business, your discussion, is also related to business, but the prompt you provided is related to electronic media. I am not sure if you used the wrong title for your prompt or you discussed the wrong prompt with the correct discussion as referenced by your title. Which is it?

Keep in mind that when you take the actual IELTS test, a discussion that is in no way related to the prompt will automatically result in your failing that section of the test. In this case, I am holding off on editing and correcting your grammar until you clarify which the correct prompt is. If you are supposed to discuss business, then you have the correct discussion and only need grammar advice. If you are supposed to discuss electronic media, then you are not even discussing the right prompt. Which means this practice essay is useless.

Keep in mind, the examiner will not take kindly to such mistakes and, in the review of your essay and explanation of your grade, the fact that you have absolutely no comprehension skills, since you did not understand and discuss the correct prompt, will weigh heavily on your final exam grade.

The prompt and the essay do not form a line. Let me help you write for the intro and conclusion.


Intro:
It is believed that electronic media such as email and text messaging have brought dire consequences on personal interaction. While this is utterly acceptable to some extent, I would argue that social site networking helps people connect with others without boundaries in time.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, electronic media have subtly shaped global communication. While it argued that such devices result in a sense of alienation among people who rely on too much, this advantages outweigh the drawbacks. The regular use of electronic communication tends to hold risks for social life.

Since globalization era, it is much more easily for people to enter business world. While some people argue that the sole purpose of business is to make a profits

However, like it or not (but I think it is used more in speaking) , money is regarded as the key rolefactor in business worldsincedue to/because of the needs of money to run business.

...according to an entrepreneur magazine

...making money is certainly an important resultthe precursor of company existence

...if society have trusted to company's products

... the business will be getting bigger due toonce the number of customers will increases

...more attention should be paid onto customers.

...However, i believe that maximizeing profits should be taken into account in order tofor companies to ...

I think there also be frequent repetition of "make money", "existence", "business world", "companies" etc. You should replace them by thesaurus or similar meaning phrases.