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Some people argue using a cleaner energy to protect the environment


uuu0301 2 / 1  
Jul 9, 2015   #1
hi, this is a TOEFL writing topic, in addition to gramma and phrase errors, could you please also give me some advises regarding writing style and construction? thanks!

Some people argue using a cleaner energy to protect the environment, but some people say the traditional energy sources such as coal and oil is less expensive, what is your suggestion?

With the rapid technology advance, energy consumption has increased drastically. The negative effects are seemed inevitable. To prevent further damage to the earth environment, I support the idea that people should be encouraged to use a cleaner energy instead of traditional energy sources. Although current technology might be not advance enough to switch completely, it is prefer to use high quality energy materials that with less harmful impact on environments.

During last century, industrial developments bring prosperity worldwide. However, people more than one country suffered from the consequence from environmental pollution caused by factories. The heavy and long-term fog in London is one of the most famous one. The contagious air caused serious diseases among hundreds of people. Also California had similar air problem too. It may only take a few years to make the damage, but recovery would not be done overnight. California government spent 50 years to fight the contamination, and still make effort to maintain the progress.

People learn lessons from past, and thus innumerous inventions and innovation emerged, encouraging people use cleaner energy. For example, Telsa introduced the revolutionary idea that use electric as the engine power of a car, instead of traditional gas. Although the price of electrical car is not cheap, the extra cost outweighs accumulated gas cost. More importantly, it is environmentally friendly. Government also encourage people to use such clean energy by giving privilege to manufactures, such as import tax discount

Before this kind of replacement is accessible to most people, traditional energy is still a dispensable part of daily life. In this case, high quality energy source, like pure coal and oil, should be ensured through authorities. At least, the damage could be controlled in a low range by this measurement

In conclusion, with the past experience of negative effect of traditional energy, and considering the demand of energy would not decline, revolution of using cleaner energy is necessary, and even urgent.

justivy03 - / 2,420 607  
Jul 9, 2015   #2
- With the rapid technology advance of technology ,...

- The negative effects are seemed inevitable.

- To prevent further damage to the earth's environment,

- Although current technology mightmay not be not advance enough to switch completely,

- it is prefered to use high quality energy materials that withhas less harmful impact onto the environments .

- However, people more than onethe country suffered from the consequence fromof ..

- Also California had similar air problem too.

- It may only take a few years to makedo the damage,

- but recovery would not be donewill not happen overnight.

- People learn lessons from past, and thus in numerous inventions and innovation emerged,

- encouraging people to use cleaner energy.

So there you have it Uuu, I made a few correction.
Overall, your essay is good however, you have to mind to structure of your sentence as to which part of the sentence is the best place to input your words. This will also make sure that you send your message across and will keep your ideas from jumping everywhere.

One thing that you also have to work on is the strength of your ideas, being objective at all times and making sure that research is done thoroughly before coming up with an article.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!
Michele9 5 / 12 3  
Jul 9, 2015   #3
Although current technology might be notmight not be advance enough to switch completely, it is preferpreferable to use high quality energy materials that with less harmful impact on environments.

During last century, industrial developments bringhave brought prosperity worldwide.

However, people more than one country suffered from the consequence from environmental pollution caused by factories.

You'd better say:
However, people from more than one country have suffered the consequences of the environmental pollution caused by factories.

exept some mistakes, the essay is well written and your theme is supported by good ideas and examples. Also the vocabulary is pretty rich ;)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,455 129  
Jul 9, 2015   #4
The most important thing to do is practice typing these sentences after you make the corrections.

So for example, with Michele's correction you can practice typing this sentence a few times, and read it aloud:
During last century, industrial developments have brought prosperity worldwide.
I think typing the sentence and speaking the sentence are the most effective ways to program yourself with good grammar habits.

Here is another correction:
People learn lessons from studying history, and ...

You asked about structure and style. You already seem to understand what it means to have good structure. In English, good structure often involves being able to express your whole idea in one sentence. You did that very well in the sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Another way to improve the structure would be to add 1 or 2 more sentences to the conclusion paragraph. The conclusion paragraph can restate your main idea in a different way to help the reader understand it, but then you can also add something extra. You can make the conclusion paragraph really interesting if you add a comment about what we might be able to accomplish by shifting to renewable energy. What differences will it make for the children of our generation's children, for example.

Before this kind of replacement is accessible to most people, traditional energy is still a dispensable will remain an indispensable...

: ) Thanks for sharing this essay.


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