TOEFL: Most people attend schools in order to be prepared for future careers

Hello, here!
Can you, please, give me a feedback on how can I improve my writing skills to pass upcoming TOEFL exam?
Thanks, beforehand!

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Higher education institution is a place which almost everyone should pass and everyone has their own reasons for that. Personally, I believe most people tend to attend colleges and universities to prepare for their careers, expand their social network and to gain widen knowledge.

First of all, having a good career requires higher education from people. But, I would like to be the first person to admit that one can have nice career even without attending the college or university. However, we also have to admit that one of the things that interest most employers while hiring workers is diploma. Because, it objectively indicates how much value a person can give to a company by becoming employee. Therefore, a person with a degree has much better chance of being landed at a job than a person who does not have one.

In addition to career opportunities, attending higher education institutions is a good chance to expand one's social network which is an essential component of personal growth. University or college is a place where people with various interests meet and these people, by going to classes together, have a good chance to know about each other. In this way, one has a better chance to make many friends with different backgrounds. For example, I cannot imagine making so many friends, whom I am enjoying being friend with, if I hadn't attended to my current university.

Finally, one of the best ways to acquire knowledge is becoming a student of a college or university. Since, a college or university is a place where people have an opportunity to get knowledge from teaching faculties, most people decide to go to colleges and universities because of this opportunity. Because, virtually anybody understand the importance of being intelligent person and realize that one of the best sources to reach this goal is through going higher education.

On the way of conclusion, I consider that most people attend colleges and universities in order to be prepared for future careers, expand social network and gain useful knowledge.

Good introduction :)


... why not tell this directly; let's do a small adjustment;
First of all, to progress with career, one needs to have a higher education.


... this sentence is more controversial and destroys your flow. You set your body para to tell the reader one reason which is "people look for higher education in view of preparing themselves for a great career". So why talk about the other side in between and go back. This sentence does not serve any purpose instead it breaks your smooth flow :(

Examples are required in this topic; therefore, you should give more examples to make this essay more persuasive! :)

This is not a very strong beginning. It should be a more meaningful sentence. When you say that everyone should have a degree that sounds somewhat stereotype.


This is a good point :)


Universities and colleges do have large student bodies that create many networking opportunities for their students.