Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones (school day). Both views

should children use their phones at school or not

In this era of major changes, the influence of technological devices is massive for people in all ages, especially children. Some educational experts are skeptical about whether children should use their phones or not. In this essay, I will discuss both views and draw up my conclusion.

First and foremost, using phones during the school day offers students a variety of opportunities to expand their knowledges. To be more specific, in case teachers aren't capable of responding to the student's question, the internet can be a great help in answering the curiosity of the children. Furthermore, using phones can also increase the flexibility of the classroom. In this day and age, the number of online websites and apps using games and quizzes to study is enormous, facilitating students and teachers to an easier and more creative learning approach. For example, Kahoot, and Quizzes have been leading as the most visited app in the classroom as a way to stimulate and encourage students to learn.

On the other hand, some opponents of using phones during the school day might claim that phones can make students unable to fully concentrate on the lectures. According to recent reports, people working and using electrical devices namely: phones, computer can have the possibility of having health-related problems. Moreover, it is true that students using phones can be distracted by other issues, which can dampen their marks in the exam.To sum up, while using phones during the school day can be disadvantageous for some reasons, the benefits of phones might outweigh its drawbacks. The availability of knowledge on the internet and apps using games and quizzes to study might be a great tool stimulate and encourage students to learn better at school.

The writer has misunderstood the writing instruction. When asked to discuss both views and give an opinion, he is not being asked to offer a conclusion based upon the discussion topic. Rather, he is asked to provide an insight into how he views each of the given public points of view. Since the writer's opinion is incorrectly stated, it will not receive a passing score. It cannot receive a proper score because it contradicts the given discussion instruction.

A repeated reading of the prompt restatement shows that the writer also misinterpreted the writing discussion in terms of topic and points of view. the original discussion is based upon the thought of needing to ban students from using mobile phones during school days only. The opposing side believes this to be an unnecessary action. The writer stated that educational experts have misgivings about allowing children to use cellphones in general. It lacks the proper discussion foundation and reasoning claims as indicated in the original presentation. Therefore, the restatement is incorrect and will receive a failing score.

It will be impossible for this essay to receive a passing score based on these 2 errors alone. Since the prompt restatement + writer's opinion comprises a majority of the major scoring considerations, it will be improbable that this essay will be granted a passing score since there are additional deductions to be applied within the actual discussion presentation itself.

Offering an accurate prompt restatement and a relevant opinion sentence is of the utmost importance in task 2 essays. Make a mistake in this section and the possibility of passing the test becomes unlikely.

I think you should divide the second paragraph into 2 parts so as to make it easier to follow.
In academic writing, we should not abbreviate. Eg: can't->can not
the influence of technological devices is massive for people in all ages-> technological devices can have significant impacts on people of all ages
the number of online websites and apps using games and quizzes to study is enormous-> there are a number of online websites and studying apps...