30. Some people believe that in order to thrive, a society must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens. Others believe that the well-being of a society can only be measured by the general welfare of all its people.
there is no single strategy that works for every society
Society is a very complex entity and there is no "one size fits all " policy that when implemented would benefit all types of societies alike.
Firstly, in societies with minimal resources and vast economic inequalities, success of the society as whole would prove detrimental to certain sectors of the society. India had recently opened a new underground metro rail line that connects the country's capital, Delhi with Ahmedabad, which is considered as the business capital of the country. This train that is built with Japanese technology is currently one of the fastest trains in the world. The government believes that its implementation would immensely benefit the working class by drastically reducing the travel time. However, the travel expenses of this train limits its usage only to the upper middle and elite classes of the society, who can afford a private vehicle in the absence of a suitable public transport. Therefore, the people's money that is invested in this project by the government benefits only one sector of the society, discounting the rest of the population. So, is this a wrong step taken by the government ? No. Investment by a society solely in the improvement of resources for individuals of the society would result in a tortoise walk towards success of the society. Therefore, most of the developing nations practice a step approach where a step is taken towards success and then there is a certain duration during which the individuals of the society are provided with resources in order to be in par with the development achieved. Once, the individuals of the society reach a certain extent, then another step towards success is taken by the society, followed by a wait period. In the example stated above, the government tends to wait until the train starts serving people from all sectors of the society and then initiates another project that moves the nation one more step closer towards success. During this wait period, the government assists the general welfare of the society by various methods such as free education schemes, housing and employment opportunities for lower income households etc.
In case of under developed countries, with very little resources to aid in the well being of individuals, governments tend to concentrate their funds on the development of basic resources such as, irrigation pipelines, healthcare centres , primary education centres etc. On achieving certain level of general welfare, the governments then proceed towards investment in projects that move their nation towards success. In this way, the individuals of the society are giventwith the minimum amount of resources needed in order to cope with their developing nation.
In case of well developed societies , the funds of the societies are mostly invested in maintaining the achieved well being of the society and in research areas that aid in further development of technology , infrastructure and facilities that keep the nation in par with the development of the rest of the societies of the world.
Therefore, there is no single strategy that works for every society, and societies need to design their own model when it comes to their funds management in the success of their society and the well being of their people.Hi, your English is very good and your essay is extremely well-written. That is what makes it so hard to tell you that I don't think this essay would score very well. You have not really addressed the prompt at all, you have answered almost an entirely different question. You have answered "What is the most effective way for a government to improve the well-being of its people?" But notice that this is not the prompt you were given. The question is whether it is more important to have a "successful society" or is the "general welfare of all its people" more important? I think "successful society" is open to interpretation, which you would probably do in your introduction. To me, this implies a modern, advanced capital, with impressive buildings and monuments, a modern military and a respected university, and so on. So the question is whether governments should strive to have an impressive society or happy citizens. One common format for IELTS introductions is to restate the prompt in your own words. I don't know if this is the most creative method, but it does help to make sure that you are addressing the prompt directly, which I don't think you have done here. Here are some specific grammar and usage suggestions:
India has recently opened ...
which is considered as the business capital
its implementation will immensely ...
However, the travel expenses {"travel expenses" sounds odd and unclear here. I would say "ticket prices"} of this train limits its usage
... result in a tortoise walk {I think you need to define "tortoise walk" or give more clues - maybe a tortoise walk means slow and steady progress resulting in victory, like the "Tortoise and the Hare" story, but here I think you mean it disparagingly} towards success of the society.
in order to be on par with ... {this is a little unclear to me} Once, {no comma here} the individuals of the society
reach a certain level of prosperity,{is this what you mean? "Extent" is pretty vague} then another step
followed by a waiting period.
In the case of ...
the individuals of the society are giventwith {this is unclear - "given with" doesn't work - maybe "granted the minimum"?} the minimum amount of resources
Hi, firstly, thank so much for a detailed review.
On going into the details of the mistakes , what i meant as success is the infrastructure, like the train i mentioned. However, what you said is very true. I should mention very clearly in the introduction itself, regarding what are considered as success parameters and then proceed with the essay. Thank you once again for the feedback :-)
