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This essay is for TOEFL exam, task#2.
the influence of young people on the society
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people nowadays, have no influence on important decisions that determine the future of society.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
There is a discussion these days regarding whether or not the determination of important decisions in our society is not influenced by young citizens, and officials do not take their opinions seriously because they do not believe in their role. I find myself in disagreement with this point of view for several reasons.
The first reason why I believe young people have a big influence on important decisions is that they are skillful and they have enough background. Schools and universities offer governmental classes to their scholars to improve their understanding of problems in local society. When youth people attend these educational programs, they will learn how to use these skills to express their opinions, to find solutions, and to influence people. For example, last year there was a mass shooting in a high school in Florida. It was a big tragedy because 25 people were killed between students and teachers. Some students arranged a big convention to protest and to speak about their refuse to hold guns in American schools. They were well-prepared for this event by using what they got in one of study curriculum. As a result, Florida State prohibited any student from having a gun or weapon in schools and other educational facilities.
The second reason why I think young people have a big influence on the important decisions in the country is that they use technology. The advances in technology and the internet provide new platforms for these youth to express their beliefs and to influence the surroundings. To be more precise, social media, such as Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, allows them to record videos and to do life speech. These websites offer a big opportunity for some young to become influencers or bloggers. Millions of people follow them and they appreciate their beliefs and what they say, and we can see clearly that many presidential candidates depend on these speakers change the public minds and convince them to vote for one candidate, but not for others.
In conclusion, the influence of young people on the society has been increased gradually within the last two decades. Even though some advocates believe that youth can not impact any official decision in their community, I totally refute this belief. They have a big role in their society because they are well-educated and they have the opportunity to speak up by using social media.
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There is evidence of researched material in the presentation, which means you would not be able to write this well based on practical experience, reasons, and examples. Research is not an option during the actual test so don't do that during the practice rounds.
When you presented the example in this essay, you should have used a stand alone paragraph for that. The reason being that the example tells a story that is supportive of the information you presented but deals with a totally different subject. Therefore, it is the second part of the explanation. Hence, a different paragraph.
I am not sure why you felt the need to deviate from the original discussion topic in your prompt paraphrase. There was no need to involve the officials in the presentation because they were not mentioned in the original statement. Do not add any data that cannot be supported by the original prompt in the paraphrase.