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IELTS ESSAY Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid commu


jenny45 4 / 8 1  
Nov 5, 2012   #1
dumi~I hope you can help me with this essay again~~thanks a lot ~~~any advise is highly appreciated ~~~

topic: Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit the teenagers and the community as well. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion

When it comes to voluntary community work, some assert that adolescents are supposed to do unpaid words in community, which can bring huge benefits to both themselves and community. Basically, I agree with that.

Evidently, occupying their free time with paid-free community works, in turn, benefits those young volunteers. Firstly, the valuable experience which propel them to be more competent in future work, from communicating with others which equip them with social skills to cooperating with professionals which enrich their knowledge. Furthermore, assisting others in society makes them form a sense of fulfillment and happiness. Lastly, employers are now far more willing to recruit who have been engaged in voluntary jobs. Therefore those first-hand experiences eventually become their superiority.

Moreover, community is also the beneficiary from teenager's working. This point can be emphasized by the fact that budget for paying employees to do jobs-from looking after orphan in orphanage to attending senior in home elderly to teaching pupils in rural countryside-is cut down.

Nevertheless, it is not to say that all their precious spare time ought to be spent on extra community work. Indeed, young students must strive to get diploma in the circumstance of increasingly cut-throat competition, and they also need time to rest when being exhausted. However, for the sake of the whole community profit and their own interest, they are encouraged to make the most of their time to do moderate unpaid job.

On the whole, my view id that it is desirable for teenagers to do no paying community work, based on the aforementioned argument.

Scientiana 12 / 43 10  
Nov 5, 2012   #2
Your essay is great, especially your argument at the second last paragraph. However, I would like to suggest you to improve your introduction by making it more general. Don't come straight to the point like that. Try to write about some background information of education or voluntary work or teenager's free time. In addition, try to give more examples for the second paragraph.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 5, 2012   #3
When it comes to voluntary community work, some assert that adolescentsyoungters who are passing their years of adolescense(though the word "adolescents" not incorrect, I have not seen it in common usage )are supposedto doshould be made involved with itunpaid words in community(you already mentioned at the beggining that this is voluntary community work and that makes this part redundant) whichsince it would be a win-win situation forcan bring huge benefits to both themselvesthe teenagers and community. Basically, I too agree with that assertion .

Good intro :)

Evidently, occupying their free time with paid-free(hmmm... "paid-free" sounds confusing, also here you can avoid talking about the payment because it is the benefit to the community ;you now try to tell the benefit to the teenagers) community works , in turn (no comma) benefits those young volunteers. Firstly, the valuable experience which propel them to be more competent in future workin their communication skills, time management, team work etc.that would help them be equiped with valuable leadership and social skills for the future.from communicating with others which equip them with social skills to cooperating with professionals which enrich their knowledge . Furthermore, assisting others in society makes them form a sense of fulfillment, and happiness and contentedness together with making them more responsible personalities in the society.

Very good factual reasons. However, you need to support it with an example. For instance, tell that you gained those skills while you were engaged in such work : )

Lastly, employers are now far more willing to recruit who have been engaged in voluntary jobs. Therefore those first-hand experiences eventually become their superiority.

.... This is ok, but you can even leave this out because you have already given one solid reason above... most important thing is that you give an example for that reason. And also be mindful about the time factor which is a critical factor for this type of exams. If you can come up with just one good reason and an example to support it, that's the best for you to earn marks during a limited time frame.
OP jenny45 4 / 8 1  
Nov 6, 2012   #4
Thanks a lot
dzung1991 2 / 3  
Nov 6, 2012   #5
I think your structure 's not really good in this essay, you should divide into 4 paras.
my88626 8 / 16 2  
Nov 29, 2012   #6
I think your essay is great, learn from it ,thanks:)
sydvu76 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2012   #7
One concrete example for each point would do.
Overall, good essay.


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