student should volunteer
It is true that student should volunteer in order to contribute their local community. While i agree that it can be beneficial for both individual teenager and society, i do not consider that unpaid should be compusory.
On the one hand, there are a large number of advantages stemming from the volunteer of young people in their spare time. Firstly, they have opputinities to broanden their mind and enrich their knowlegde through experiances. For example, they can improve teamwork skill when they do unpaid work with other people who they do not know. As a result, they learn how to buil a strong relationship and how to manage the conflict. Secondly, this is one of ways to save money for society's budget. Thank for teenagers, some social jobs have been done without paying money.
On the other hand, student should not being given added reponsibility of working. One reason is that they are too busy with their homework. Beside studying in their school, they have to prepare for coming exams. Another important reason is that they need some free time to develop their hobbies or play with their friend.
In conclusion, it is certainly true that doing unpaid work brings many gain for both student and community, but this no means they should be forced to do it.
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Tran, your essay does not properly represent the prompt for discussion because you immediately discussed the topic in the opening paragraph, with the assumption that the reader is familiar with the topic being discussed. You must always consider that the examiner may or may not have access to the original prompt. That is why the opening paragraph is always allotted for your topic presentation and instruction discussion representation. That is all part of the Task Accuracy requirement and you are scored in a major manner on your ability to deliver the TA requirements. The proper presentation for this would have been:
Compulsory community service for the youth during their spare time is something that people and schools believe to be beneficial to the youngster. That is because there is a belief that young adults will gain major benefits from such a practice. I disagree with this practice and in this essay, I will explain why.
Based upon the proper prompt presentation, you will see that this is not a "2 points of view" discussion essay but rather, a single opinion justification essay. Therefore, your essay should not be discussing two points of view. Rather, you should be discussing the 3 body paragraphs to provide reasons, evidence, and justifications for your point of view. That is how you present, discuss, and defend your point of view in the proper manner.
Your conclusion does not work well in terms of increasing your score. You need to divide the presentation into 3-5 sentences in order to gain the maximum possible GRA and C&C scores for your work.
Hi Tran Thanh Nga,
You should also avoid making mistakes in terms of GRA, so that your score can be higher. I try to correct the first part of your essay as below:
It is true that students should volunteer in order to contribute to their local community. While
iI agree that (...) individual teenagers and the society, iI do not consider that an unpaid basis should be compulsory.
Hope it helps
Hi, I'd like to make several corrections for you. The essay contains lots of spelling errors, which will drag your scores down.
... in order to contribute to their local community.
compusory => compulsory
opputinities => opportunities
knowlegde => knowledge
broanden => broaden
experiances => experiences
buil => build
reponsibility => responsibility