Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS - Some people believe that all wild animals should be protected


daisynguyen197 1 / -  
Jun 20, 2020   #1

preservation of the wildlife creatures



Individuals opine the differing views in term of the preservation of the wildlife creatures. While some argues that the protection should be hold for all the animals which live in the natural habitats, others lay toward the point that human should only protect a few of them. From my personal perspective, I believe that people should protect some endangered species due to its necessary and the limitation of human resource.

On the one hand, there are several main reasons to support the preservation of all creatures in the planet. Each living life is deserved to live freely and comfortably in the nature. However, because of the severe pollution and over exploitation caused by human activities, the natural habitat are destroyed and many species are in the brink of extinction. Also, the connection between all creatures reminds mankind to protect all of them in order to maintain the balanced ecosystem. However, I inclined this notion is a short-sighted view. It is clear that not all of animals are beneficial for both nature and human life. Take mosquito as an clear example, despite being the food of some insects, mosquito are responsible for the most animal-related deaths. Dengue fever, another mosquito-borne disease, has become a leading cause of hospitalization and death among children in some Asian and Latin-American countries.

Therefore, it could be preposterous if people try to protect these animals.

On the other hand, some endangered species should be urgently protected. The world witnessed the disappearance of millions wildlife animal king due to the catastrophic environmental contamination through daily activities. It is easy to read plenty of updated news about the deaths of half population of blue whales because of the plastic intake or only 30 African Native Rhinos has left in the world. Those animals are the paramount importance in the natural process, without them, many other species would suffer the negative impacts which eventually lead to the die-out. Moreover, biological and scientific research could be insufficient in the invaluable genes from them which aim to produce the medicines for human treatments. Another cause is that human do not have enough funding and supports to protect all species because there are many compelling issues such as overpopulation, high unemployment rate or extreme poverty needed to be addressed. Therefore, it could put financial pressure for government which ultimately lead to the tax rise.

To sum up, although it could be beneficial if human might be capable to protect all kind of species due to its equal rights and values, however, I strongly believe that the a few animals in the red book need to be protected necessarily.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175  
Jun 20, 2020   #2
Woah! You are practicing for an IELTS test, you are not writing an academic paper. Why would you type up 436 words for a 20 minute task? You do realize that there is no way you can write that many words during the actual test right? Even if you were taking the computer based test, you would still need to allot at least 10 minutes for the review of the essay you have written. You have to learn to allot time properly to complete the task with review, editing, and revision included.

You should be dividing the time as follows for task:

10 minutes to outline the paper
20 minutes to draft the paper
10 minutes to revise the paper

You have made several errors within the task that would truly limit your ability to pass the test. Do not over write. Overwriting is just as bad as underwriting because you make more errors when you focus on length instead of clarity and quality of writing. Stay within the suggested 275-290 words for the total essay. You cannot go wrong by writing just the right number of words in your essay.

You tried to show off your vocabulary in the essay, which led to the under development of the discussion topics you presented. Even though you presented a tremendous amount of information per paragraph, you did not clearly explain your reasons, examples, and justifications for your examples in your paragraphs. You should not be using more than 2 inter connected topics per paragraph. Ideally, you should be using only one topic sentence per paragraph so that you can focus on the clarity of your presentation.

You are not scored on the word count. You are not scored on your knowledge, you are not scored on your vocabulary alone. You should be showing your ability to write comprehensively in English with a mix of simple and complex sentences. The writing should be well developed, clear, and concise. All of the latter traits are missing in your current work.

Errors:

Singular v. Plural presentation:
... the natural habitat are - the natural habitat is (habitat is singular)

Indefinite article usage:
mosquito as an clear ... - ... as a clear (a before consonant sounds, an before vowel sounds)

Comma usage:
... natural habitat is destroyed , and many species

There are several more errors in your writing that need to be addressed. However, this post will become too long if I address all of the errors you made. The errors I pointed out, along with my review of the mistakes in your presentation should help you get started on doing your work properly the next time around.
kellywee1234 4 / 6 5  
Jun 20, 2020   #3
I would like to first start off by correcting your grammars & sentence structures.
While some argues that ... be held for all ...
... due to its necessary scarcity and the limitation ...

Each living life is deserve[R]s to live ... However, because of due to ..., the natural habitats are ...

Also, The connection ... to protect all of them in order to ...

However, I inclined that this notion ...

Mosquitos are responsible for the most ... Dengue fever, another which is a ...

... species should be urgently protected requires immediate protection/attention.

... wildlife animal king due to the catastrophic environment consequences resulted from daily activities.

IT IS EASY TO READ PLENTY ...
--> This sentence does not actually make sense to me. When you try to squeeze too much contents in one sentence, the meaning you are trying to bring across become bleak. You may change the sentence to:

1) "It is common to read plenty of news about the deaths of blue whales, or news such as only 30 African Native Rhinos are left in the world." This way, the message you are trying to bring across is clearer --> that it is common to find such news. OR

2) "... deaths of wildlife and endangered species due to the disastrous environment pollution." --> trying to bring across that these news have become common due to the environment pollution.[/R][/R]

These animals are the of paramount ... suffer the negative impacts ... --> though I am unsure of the whether the content is right, I will not comment on it. But it may be better for you to be clearer in this. You may want to explain why would the death of these animals lead to the die-out?

... research could be insufficient inefficient? in the due to the invaluable genes ...

ANOTHER CAUSE IS THAT ... THEREFORE, IT COULD PUT ...

--> I do not deny your context, but these 2 sentences do not seem to fit in the paragraph. First, you are talking about endangered species should be urgently protected. You should focus on this point and do not divert from your main point of this paragraph. Thus, you should elaborate on why these animals should be protected? and not "why they are not protected".

... if humans might be are capable of ... due to its equal rights and values, however, I strongly believe that the only a few ... to be protected necessarily.

--> To be frank, your conclusion does not make sense when I try to read at it at the first glance. I had to read multiple times in order to get your message. P/S: "although" does not go with "however"

My opinion is that you are trying to squeeze in many superflours linking words. Paragraph 2 will be a very good example. "However, Also, However". Do not get my idea wrong. I am not saying that it is wrong to use linking words, but you should ensure that the linking words fit in and are not too repetitive. You have to make sure that readers find the essay "smooth" when they are reading.

Another issue I notice from your essay is that your sentences are abit too "choppy". This means that sometimes you divert away from your idea and your following sentence does not support what you previously said. For example: "MOREOVER, BIOLOGICAL AND ... ANOTHER CAUSE IS THAT HUMAN ... "

These two sentences are totally unrelated and i hope you can understand what I mean by that. When I read through your essay, I hope to see a flow - this brings to another, or a point is elaborated and explained further. and not just "suddenly" bring up another sentence which is unrelevant to what you're trying to bring across.

Some tips that I have for you
- Improve on your sentence structures to ensure that your message is bring acrossed clearly.
- Improve on your grammar
- Plan ahead before you start writing. this helps to ensure that your point is clear.

I hope you won't feel offended / disappointed / discouraged by my comment. I am also someone who have suffered from poor essay writing and my basic skills were extremely bad. I hope my comments can help you to identify your mistakes and you can continue to work on them. Remember, you are the only one who can make it works !! All the best to you :))


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS - Some people believe that all wild animals should be protected