Volunteering as a high school student
One of the highly debatable topics relates to whether voluntary work should be considered to be a part of the high school curriculum. Many parents are of the opinion that working for charitable or community organizations would be beneficial to youngsters. I am convinced that sending students to such places is a good idea because of providing children numerous lasting and great values.
Firstly, thanks to doing voluntary work, students have more chances of learning life skills which play a vital role in increasing their success later on. Specifically, not only do the students learn teamwork and time management, but they also gain communication and organizational skills, which is considered to be the excellent preparation for adulthood.Furthermore, skills gained through compulsory work would be an asset on their CV and thus, increasing their employability.
Secondly,due to the shortage of after-school clubs, children nowadays spend an immense amount of time sitting in front of the TV or browsing the Internet and this causes serious harm to the adolescent development. Therefore, giving them compulsory work would prevent them from the excessive use of technological equipment, which results in healthy life balance.
Finally, children find it difficult to work in the real life, therefore, they would gain more respect towards money and more to the point, learn to spend them in more practical way.
In my conclusion, I think unpaid community services should be implemented in the high school programmes since there exist numerous benefits of carrying out them in the long run.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,905 3559
There was nothing in the original prompt to indicate that the topic is a "highly debatable topic". The reference made was only to a discussion between parties. There is a difference between a discussion and a debate. Be careful with your alternative word choices, a mistake in keyword alteration can totally change the premise of the original discussion, as evident in your restatement. Additionally, parents are not the ones giving an opinion here, just people in general. That is another keyword alteration that changed the reference point for this essay. It is fast becoming a totally different discussion based on your keyword alterations. You cannot be convinced by the discussion, you need to offer an extent statement in that section. So you have something like "I am in total support of this idea because..." This restatement is not very good. It doesn't really follow the rewriting requirements in an applicable manner. However, you will still be scored on the relevant discussion points as the examiner may perceive your response to be.
There is a standard paragraph format for these presentations. Regardless of whether it is the restatement, the reasoning discussion, or the reverse paraphrase conclusion, these all have to be within 3-5 sentences. While you did write 250 words, the discussion paragraphs need more work. It has to be developed further for clarity, proper explanation, and the inclusion of more relevant examples. By the way, the discussion paragraphs should only be 2 paragraphs. This is not a 5 paragraph discussion. In fact, your final reasoning paragraph is so short, it will actually pose a deduction, rather than an increase in your final score. The same goes for the conclusion that does not have at least 40 words and 3 sentences in it. It does not reflect a clear restatement of the previous discussion. Specially since you show uncertainty in that paragraph with the word "I think", meaning your overall TA score will be based on a non-definitive opinion regarding the topic.
Your essay is pretty good. However, your structure is wrong. The fourth paragraph should be put in the second or third one, as it is just one sentence. It is not necessary to seperate this idea to one para.What's more, this essay lacks example. You should try to give instance as it makes your essay more concise. Finally, check your grammatical errors before posting it since I found some mistakes.
Hope my suggestions useful!
@Holt @ Priscilla thanks all of you indeed.
@Holt: I already read your comment carefully. However, I still have a few questions:
1. I often write in long sentences, therefore, my ideas would be in about 2 -3 sentences like above. Is it ok if I continue to do that and it doesn't affect negatively my score ?
2. Could you give me some phrase rather than using "highly debatable topics". How about: " It is suggested that ... " ?
@ Priscilla please show me some mistakes regarding grammars. I have no ideas and I need your help.