IELTS ; Some people are born with talents while others are not!

Please give me feedbacks for my below essay writing and let me know how many band I could get for this content:

Topic
It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sports or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician. Describe both these views and give your opinion.

My Answer:

There has been considerable discussion what makes any one a successful sports or great musician. While there are some arguments that some people have born with specific skills and abilities, my own opinion is that any one can gain the required skills and talent by working harder to become successful music and sports celebrity.

There are some arguments in favour of acquiring skills through learning and acquiring guidance from others. The first point is that there is nothing impossible to learn if you are self motivated and ambitious. For example, you want to become a tennis player, you could join private tennis coaching classes. Also, you tennis coach will guide through and assist you in developing certain skills required to become a successful player. An additional point is that you need to spend a lot of time in practice and do really hard work to enhance your performance. Therefore, if you are ready to listen and follow what your coach teaches you, there is no any obstacles which will stop you from achieving your dream.

while there is some merit in that argument, sometime it can be argued that some people have been gifted with certain talent. An illustration of this is that the children of famous sports and music personalities have inherited specific skills from their parents. Therefore, they are very quick learners and develop required abilities easily. It can be also possible to say that these people brought in the atmosphere in which they have seen their parents being successful in a particular occupation. Therefore, they are very inspirational and motivated to become more successful from their parents. Also, they they will get guidance from their parents which help them to become succeed.

While there are some arguments in both side of the views, my personal opinion is that any person can become high talented by putting extra efforts and learning from great teachers or coaches.

Hi.
In introduction, you took specific position and announced your agreement with one side of the issue. But you justified both sides of the argument equally. You can mention some positive aspects of the other viewpoint, which you are against, but you should support your idea about the issue. In other words, you should describe some convincing reasons to justify your idea in other paragraphs of the essay.

... this is not a very catchy hook that can grab reader's attention. You need to improve this sentence.


.... Have a seperate sentence for his idea.


... You mentioned about this above. So start with the reason as to why you hold that opinion.
Also, you should post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. Please follow this rule in future threads :)

While there is some truth in saying that talents can be trained, certain fields such as music and sports require inborn talents.


.... why do you talk about children of famous personalities? You can talk about those famous people. How about Elton John? He naturally is gifted with born talents. Pick the best examples to convince the reader :)