There has been considerable discussion what makes any one a successful sports or great musician.
... this is not a very catchy hook that can grab reader's attention. You need to improve this sentence.
my own opinion is that any one can gain the required skills and talent by working harder to become successful music and sports celebrity.
.... Have a seperate sentence for his idea.
There are some arguments in favour of acquiring skills through learning and acquiring guidance from others.
... You mentioned about this above. So start with the reason as to why you hold that opinion.
Also, you should post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. Please follow this rule in future threads :)