Some people choose to stay unoccupied instead of taking up a job which does not fit to their hobby

01/11/2014

It's better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they don't enjoy. Do you agree or disagree?

great job or no job at all?

Nowadays, many people choose to stay unoccupied instead of taking up a position which is not corresponding to their hobbies. However, I completely disagree with this idea for some reasons will be discussed as below.

The option to be out of work is disadvantageous to some extent. Firstly, work plays an integral part in guaranteeing the quality of life. If people are unemployed they will not have regular income so that means no money to pay for the bills. Secondly, unemployment in long term can have a negative impact on health. People trying to find a particular job but not successful can experience the feelings of worthlessness and disappointment. This in turn can cause serious mental illness such as depression or anxiety.

At the same time, there are some benefits to be gained by people sticking to a job they don't like. The first reason for it could be not so many people can know exactly about their dream job at the beginning. Therefore doing various tasks in different organizations definitely gives them a chance to find out their true calling. For example, my brother had a vague idea about his future career when he first left university. But after spending two years working in different sectors, he finally landed a job which was right up his alley. Furthermore, being employed also allows people especially youngsters to master vital soft skills and expand their social network as well.

In conclusion, I believe that being on the job is better than doing nothing.

yep...sometimes not doing what u dont like is good...but in life u dont do only bcoz u like that job directly, but u do it rather bcoz u get something out of it that u like...for instance if u dont like ur job then think whether u get something out of this job which u want, but wud not get it frm any other options available...

in that case u wil realize that u r doing it for a reason, and this will giv satisfaction in what u do...

on the other hand, if u have better options then u shift to the other option...

also, if u r ready not to do the job, and thereby ready to lose the benifit, then go ahead...drop the job...

furthermore, fulfillment may not b immediate...this too u hav to keep in mind...

perhaps the fulfillment that the job gives u is to b realized later...so dont just look into immediate benefits...consider future benefits frm the job too and take ur decision...

carrying on in the aforementioned way will make ur self accept work only for just reasons, and wil enable the world to break out of modern slavery...

Nguyen, while you have some pretty good talking points in this essay, your discussions are not developed beyond that. That is because you focused solely on presenting only reasons for your belief without an actual defense or explanation of the basis of your belief. Thus making the essay little informative and less developed than it should be. You are not being scored on the number of reasons you can provide for your conviction, you are being scored on how well you can defend your reason using the English language instead. That is why your line of reasoning does not help to increase your C&C and GRA scores.

Instead of just presenting a countdown of reasons for your discussion, choose your top 3 reasons and discuss these in strong independent paragraphs of no more than 3 using 3-5 sentences per paragraph. The format should be:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reasoning 1
3. Explanation for reasoning (optional)
4. Example to support the reasoning
5. Transition sentence introducing the next paragraph topic in relation to this paragraph.

Do this 3 times using 3 different reasons before presenting a proper summary conclusion and you will greatly increase your scoring potential in the overall consideration. Speaking of the summary conclusion. You cannot just say "I believe..." in such a short sentence. The concluding summary needs to restate the topic for discussion, summarize the topic points, then repeat your thesis statement in a closing sentence manner. Your current conclusion is so weak, it will definitely pull down you score.

I would also like to point out that this is not an "extent" essay so you need not say "I completely disagree". There is no indication of the instruction requiring you to indicate a measure of (dis)approval so a simple "I disagree" would have been sufficient. You also lack 1 more sentence in order to meet the minimum 3 sentence per paragraph requirement as I explained above.

Your LR score will also be lowered by the misuse of English terms. You used the term "unoccupied" to indicate a person who is not working. The correct term is "unemployed". Unoccupied means a person with nothing to do. Which is different from a person who does not have a job. You also cannot use the term "hobbies" as a synonym for the term "employment". The better term to use would have been "jobs".

Due to your lack of expertise in vocabulary use, it would be best for you to, at this point, familiarize yourself with English words by reading and memorizing the English dictionary (if possible) and, in addition to that, you should also familiarize yourself with synonyms, words that can take the place of other words because they mean the same thing. If you can improve in these aspects of your writing, then there is a high probability that you just may pass this test.