Do not make claims that are not present in the original version so as not to negatively affect prompt restatement accuracy. There was never a reference to " many people". There is no point of view representation orginally so there should not heone in the retelling. It is also incorrect to say "free purchase" because a purchase connotes a financial sale of goods. There is no such thing as a free purchase. Do not confuse the please with the commonly used reference to "free with every purchase" indicating anon-sall related item or gift with purchase. That said, the paragraph contains a highly compliant opinion and reasoning foundation. Good job with that!
The first reasoning paragraph does not use the correct linking word since the preceding topic is not related in reference to the second part of the paragraph. Rather than the word "additionally", a transition sentence to introduce a different but related discussion focus should have been used. know when to use a linking word or transition reference in the paragraph. These are the reasons why the second reasoning paragraph better develops its discussion points. It is the stronger of the 2 paragraph presentations.
traditional forms of providing data
This could refer to any reference beyond printed newspapers and books. It could also mean televised ?news, among others. Use a more specific synonym next time that clearly relates to the original keywords.
The essay has equal good and bad points. It may result in q passing but not high score in an actual setting.