Some people deem that children should be brought up in a rural area than the city

Some people think that it is better to raise children in the countryside than in the city.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this point?

Contemporarily, some people deem that children should be brought up in a rural area than the city. From my point of view, I partly have the same ideal with that statement.

First of all, rural areas are surrounded by the nature with many local things themselves. Kids living in rural areas often have a strong connection with places where they live. For instance, they often have a thing for protecting the environment not only in their town but also the other places. One more important example of that is that children will realize the true significance of nature. If children live in cities, to a certain extent, they may not realize how vital the environment gives them.

The other reason that raising in the countryside is better than the city for kids is that they will know the real things happening in their lives by their eyes, not by any documentary movies or books. To make sense of that, for instance, many children living in cities know many sorts of trees or birds by reading schooling books or watching films, yet they do not know how to distinct grass and rice in the fields. Students leading their lives in rural areas will learn things naturally themselves, not by any hard-touching things in books.

On the other hand, raising children in the city also has some beneficial effects. One important of them is the overall education. Quite a few cities have a mountain of places that kids can take part in to educate themselves not only on the subjects they are learning at school but also soft skills. Children can emerge themself in English by talking with foreigners walking in the park which is those living in rural areas cannot. It means that studying new and modern things seem to be easy for city-children.

To conclude, many reasons can prove that children raised in the countryside will gain much more beneficial effects than in the city, although still exist some things that rural areas have yet to satisfy.

(I hope that I can get your feedback about my writing and your score for the essay)

Hi,im currently a learner so pls ignore if i make mistakes
Try to keep everything short and simple(From my point of view->From my perspective,In my opinion.First of all->Firstly)
Try to avoid such words like can,will,must because you cant make sure things will happen as you said(there are exceptions of course :))

Try to paraphrase the word kids(which is informal) as young people,next generation,offsprings(where related to parents)
You gave too much examples,it is better to develop an essay with one example in each paragraph to leave some room for explanations.
You did not use a wide range of vocabs
Thankyou for reading!!!!

Rather than saying that you partly agree, you should instead frame the response in the manner of an extent response such as:

I consider myself in agreement with this point of view up to the point that...

The phrase "up to the point that..." indicates the extent of your agreement and also gives the outline for your discussion paragraphs. By the way, you need to use a different term for "city" as it was already used in the original prompt. You could have said "urbanized areas" instead (as a sample synonym). Additionally, you are short in that paragraph presentation by 1 sentence. The minimum sentence requirement per paragraph is 3, mo more than 5. The ideal writing is 275-290 words.

What should not have been included in this discussion presentation? The "on the other hand" discussion was not necessary as you were not asked to make a comparative discussion. You were only asked for your opinion, which you were expected to defend within 2 reasoning paragraphs / 2 reasoning subjects. This is only a 4 paragraph format essay. So your format presentation is off in this instance. Where a comparison discussion is not required, none should be provided. That will be deducted from your word count due to irrelevance to the discussion. That means. your word count goes down from 337 words to 247 relevant words for the essay. You now fall under the minimum word count of 250, resulting in word penalties for your essay.

This is why you have to be careful. Always provide the information required. Do not include unnecessary information. Make sure you keep track of your word count by simply writing the minimum to maximum number of sentences. That is the sure fire way of always meeting the word count. Always double check your content against the writing instructions. Do not deviate from the discussion, do not add non-required information either. These are the common errors that often slip up the students.