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IELTS Task 2 - What can people do to discourage increasing car ownership in big cities?



potatowee 5 / 12  
Feb 29, 2020   #1
Hi. This is my essay for the prompt about car ownership in big cities. It would be grateful to hear your comments and feedbacks since I am studying for the IELTS exam and my desirable writing band score is 7.5 (which I think is ambitious). Thank you :)

CAR OWNERSHIP IS PROBLEMATIC

Prompt:
Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now 'one big traffic jam'. How true do you think this statement is? What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?

My answer:
The fact that many people today can afford a car for commutation and travelling has raised concerns about traffic congestion in urban areas. From my perspective, I totally agree with this and believe there are several measurements for tackling the issue.

Economic progress in some developing countries, such as Vietnam, is arguably the main reason why the car ownership in big cities is increasing. In the last 10 years, many families in Vietnam have been able to purchase an expensive private vehicle like car, whereas most households in the past relied heavily on the use of a cheaper mode of transportation, such as motorbike. Furthermore, it is easy to understand that travelling by car brings about more convenience and privacy for drivers than motorbikes or public transportation, which have a notoriety for social crimes such as public harassment or daylight pickpocketing. There is also another explanation for the increase of car ownership. For example, the increasing rate of urbanization has eventually led to the development of infrastructure in big cities, allowing thus creating more space for car.

Since this has in turn resulted in a plethora of road problems, such as traffic jam, it is necessary for the government and individuals to take actions. One solution proposed by the authorities in Hanoi is to impose heavy fees on reckless driving behaviours and increase the registration fees for license, which may discourage people to buy car for personal purposes. In addition, some cities in the world, such as Seoul, have been popular for their solid public transportation system, reducing number of private vehicles on the road and avoiding traffic jam. On a smaller scale, people should acknowledge the problematic use from car and educate themselves to switch to other public means of transportation or bicycles.

In conclusion, the number of car in cities is increasing because of economic development, privacy and urbanization. However, this is also associated with high volume of traffic, and therefore, imperative measurements should be taken as soon as possible to deal with the issue.


xtunx 4 / 7  
Feb 29, 2020   #2
In the last 10 years, many families in Vietnam have been able to purchase an expensive private vehicle like car, whereas most households in the past relied heavily on the use of a cheaper mode of transportation, such as motorbike Personally, I think this statement does a little bit lighten your argument. In fact, you've mentioned Vietnam as a developing country. Therefore, in some way, you've made readers believe that car ownership hasn't actually increased RAPIDLY

Furthermore in your second body part, instead of using the word this , you should write the whole. E.g: "augmented car ownership " or at least, let it be " this trend" ," this phenomenon" ,...

"In addition, some cities in the world, such as Seoul, have been popular for their solid public transportation system, reducing number of private vehicles on the road and avoiding traffic jam" I think this is an example so you should've given another statement/solution before.

Overall, in my opinion, you've done a great job. Your grammar, word choices and ideas are very good. I actually admire you very much.
OP potatowee 5 / 12  
Feb 29, 2020   #3
Thanks @xtunx. Here is my revised essay:
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15347  
Feb 29, 2020   #4
WARNING ! STUDENTS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SCORE ESSAYS !! STUDENT SCORING = SUSPENSION !!!

I am wondering why you are asking to be scored for this essay. You were already starting to score student essays here before I warned you to stop it on pain of suspension. You need to be humble and admit that you are not capable of scoring your essays or anybody else's because your work is riddled with problems, just like every other student at this forum. Otherwise, what are you doing here? In fact, I am inclined not to score your essay because you seem to be so good in scoring others.

There are actually several sentence starters that examiners dislike reading in a Task 2 test. This includes "The fact that..." because the students tend to think that their statements should be taken as factual evidence when these are not. The whole task 2 essay is only based on personal opinion, not on research, not on verified and searchable information. So there are no "facts" in the presentation. Refrain from using that phrase in your presentations. Specially since you did not do an accurate paraphrase of the opening statement. You need to represent all of the information in the paraphrase or you will lose points for beginning your discussion too early instead of paraphrasing the prompt. By the way, you are not being asked to agree or disagree with the prompt so that is a throw away and almost totally threw your essay into prompt deviation territory. Watch out. Address only what the prompt is asking you to address. Focus on the prompt requirements, not showing off your English vocabulary. Which, by the way, is questionable.

The essay is asking you to look back 30 years, not 10 years. Depending upon how old you are, you may or may not know the traffic situation that existed in Vietnam over that time frame. It would be better for you to not address a time frame in your essay to be on the safe side. Even better, always refer to progress over 30 years of transportation in your country instead.

Again, do not focus on number of reasons. Focus on the quality of the reasons and discussion. So adding that those last 2 lines that started a new topic but did not properly explain the reason, that did not help your score at all.

You forgot to summarize the actions the government has taken to prevent the use of cars in Vietnam. That was part of the concluding summary.

Sorry, I just can't score your essay, lest I be misconstrued. You might be disappointed by the score I will give it.
OP potatowee 5 / 12  
Feb 29, 2020   #5
@Holt
Thanks for your feedbacks. I promise to be humble in the future. I got my suspension once and was lucky to retrieve my account. However, I still want to know my score because I want to know my current level (so that I won't bad-mouth again) and I am also self-studying to prepare for the exam as well. I am really sorry if I had offended anyone before and I promise I would never do that again. This has been a real blow to me.


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