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IELTS TASK 2: One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer


Anfalia 40 / 56 23  
Mar 1, 2015   #1
One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


Good health is a key for happy life. For this reason, the majority of people these days are estimated to live longer than their ancestors. While people who live longer in this world render benefits for others, it will be ashamed when they are not independent and cannot look after themselves.

It is argued that elderly people suffered from medical problem such as dementia might bother younger people especially in their families. For instance, ageing people suffering from cancer cannot look after their healthy body by themselves. They need other people to feed them, serve their medicines, and wash their laundry. As a result, people who live longer always rely on an aid from others.

Conversely, it is undeniable that nowadays people aged over 65 are more likely enjoyed a happy old age healthily. As an obvious example, there are many pensions of civil servant are still able to do their new activities that they could not afford in their workplace such as gardening. This is a leisure-time activity to refresh their mind from distressful feeling. Furthermore, the majority of ageing people enjoy [...]

SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 4, 2015   #2
... estimated to live longer than their ancestors (This is a jumping idea. Please add the information explaining on why you can judge the health condition of people these days is better than their ancestor) .

... ashamed when they are not independent enough and cannot look after themselves.

As a result, people who live longer may always rely on ansome aids from others.

Conversely, it is undeniable that nowadays people aged over 65 are more likely enjoyed a happy old age healthily. As an obvious example, there are many pensions of civil servant are still ableenable to do their new activities that they could not afford in their workplace such as gardening. This is akind of leisure-time activity to refresh their mind from some distressful feeling . Furthermore, the majority of ageing people enjoy their plentiful time for being together with their grandchildren, and it benefits for parents who are busy to work.(Support your prior sentence with the specific scientific fact instead of adding new example)

In conclusion, people can easily to have a longer life expectancy as far as they keep their body fit through the rest of their lives so as to not bother other people when they are getting older. Where possible, as youngsters we should maintain our healthy life in order to prevent being illness.

Looking backward to your prompt. I am afraid that this is little bit out of topic as the improvement of medical care that caused the longer live expectancy does not clearly explained.
OP Anfalia 40 / 56 23  
Mar 4, 2015   #3
Thank you sHanafi,
may I ask you how to differ "to be+able+to+verb" and "enable"?

Actually I've rewritten this essay, and for the first I said about the improvement of medical care that caused longer life expectancy, but it was off topic because the task asked about "development"? so i restate about the development of this trend which people have more life expectancy. Can you give me suggestion of this?

Thank you so much.
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 5, 2015   #4
Dear Anfalia

may I ask you how to differ "to be+able+to+verb" and "enable"?

It is not about making differences, it is about conciseness.

Let's share
A part of writing material I found on internet that may guide you.
It is always better you say whatever you want to say without using any more words that necessary. Reader would begin to skim rather than peruse, confident that he could skip clauses or even whole sentences without missing anything important. In short, wordiness trains the reader to disengage with the material he is reading. This called conciseness. Conciseness also dictates that certain wordy phrases always be avoided.

Some examples:
I was stunned by the fact that the politician would lie so brazenly
I was stunned by the politician brazen lies


The reason why people go to Jakarta is because it is to find better life.
Better life affects a substantial migration to Jakarta.


Could you see the differences?
Needless to say, I suggested you change "are still able" to "enable" in practising conciseness.

Actually I've rewritten this essay, and for the first I said about the improvement of medical care that caused longer life expectancy, but it was off topic because the task asked about "development"? so i restate about the development of this trend which people have more life expectancy. Can you give me suggestion of this?

If I am in line, the prompt says that the one of the consequences of improved medical care increase people live expectancy or they may live longer. Why I say that probably you are little bit out of topic is because there is no explanation about the medical care improvement. If I were you, in purpose to break the prompt down, I would compare the medical care in the past and it's to date development that might bring the advantages of increasing people's life expectancy. Perhaps you can say, in the era that baby incubator is have not invented yet there are different numbers of baby death toll compared to nowadays, or the invention of HIV vaccine temporary could delay the gradual decrease of antibody system of people who infected HIV.

Hopefully this helps :D


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