Task 2 IELTS - People living longer after retirement - people's health

People are living longer after they retire. What are the problems? What can be done to solve the problems?

--------------------------My Work -----------------------------------------------
In this day and age, people's health is being significantly improved thanks to advances in healthcare. As a result, more and more people enjoy extended lifespan after their retirement. While there are manifold problems stemming from this scenario, there are just as many tangible solutions to tackle them.

The drawbacks of having longer life expectancy pose a couple of threats on a social basis. Firstly, it is inevitable that city population may be subject to steady increases. This is because birth rate is getting faster while death rate is becoming slower, which creates intense stress on urban population. Secondly, another dilemma might come in the name of housing shortage which is the result of high demands in living spaces. Consequently, housing prices will also be on the rise as retired work force usually spend their earnings on properties, trying to buy up houses to store as a lucrative investment for their descendants.

Challenging as the problems may seem, some viable measures can be employed to ameliorate such unfavorable situations. Regarding city overpopulation, the government can subsidize into countryside amenities such as public places where the elder can socialize and have quality time with their peers. This may attract people of over working age to the outskirts, therefore, substantially reducing the number of urban citizens. With respect to not only housing shortage but also expensive accommodations, more apartments should be constructed, targeting the middle-class as well as offering low-interest mortgage loans so that a wide range of citizens can afford their homes.

In conclusion, the major worries arisen from prolonged life expectancy after retirement can come in forms of pressure on either urban population or living spaces. However, these issues can be met with practicable measures such as investing in countryside amenities and building more affordable apartments.

You can consider my opinion about this one
1. Problem
Risk of health lead to pay health care more since people is getting older, being susceptible toward disease
2. Solution
Limitation on instantly health care related on medicine

You must make an effort to present a clearer thesis statement in your paraphrased presentation. Try to never add information, such as healthcare advancement, which changes the original discussion presentation. You are scored based on how close your restatement is to the original. Not what reasons you can add which change the reasons of the original discussion. There are 2 questions asked, therefore 2 direct topic responses are required in your presentation. This brings you restatement closer to a 3 sentence presentation, which is the more appropriate paraphrase / thesis restatement presentation for a better TA score.

Good reasoning discussion points in both paragraphs. Expect to score well in the C&C section due to the clear connection between the problems and solutions you have presented. Your concluding paragraph falls more under the run-on sentence presentation. It can very well have been divided into 3 sentences, thus creating an increased TA and GRA score for you. One thought per sentence is better than combined thoughts in one sentence in terms of clarity in the paragraph presentation.

I think you can make the first ideas of your second paragraph clearer, explain why "stress on urban population" is bad. For example, it bad because there will be less accommodations available. I mean you just use 1 idea but developed it in detail.

First: remember to add the article "the": the birth rate, the death rate, the city population, the urban population,....

Second: you should make the first idea of the the problem clearer. For example: Overpopulation exerts devatasting effects on the city such as causing diseases, lacking of living land....

I think u should use some word like "first" secondly,.... at the beginning of each paragraphs it will help examiners follow your train of thought more easily