Today more people are overweight than ever before. What's are the primary causes of this?

Writing task 2 : Causes and effect

Topic: Today more people are overweight than ever before. What is your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic?

Nowadays, the level of obesity is increasing more and more than many years ago. This essay will highlight some key reasons and consequences of this problem which is challenging to humans.

In my opinion, the main causes of obesity would be an inactive lifestyle and unhealthy eating habits in daily life. First, people are becoming obese is that because they are consuming too much junk food, fast food which includes the amount of fat, sugar, and carbs in fact of eating healthy food. For example, about more than 50% of citizens in American have become fat by these eating habits. Second, people rely on machine excessively in today despite doing it yourself which have less physical demand at anything. For instance, in a couple of years now, most of people choose to drive a bike or car more than walking or cycling

The possible effect of obesity includes physical strength and mental power of human. Overweight indeed makes people staid and slow than normal people. This problem can make it difficult for you to get or keep a job in the long run because of low productivity. Also, I Belive that obesity is one of the most common causes of stress. Likewise, because of overwhelming outside, most people will have a lack of self-confidence wen among the community and society, and it will become a cycle when they can not confidence with others, they will stress and so on.

To conclude, overweight is one of the most problems that affect plenty of people today. If not taken care of, these problems could lead to an unhealthy life.

I'm preparing for IELTS test, hope you guy can help me with my writing text. Many thank!

hello, here are some of my suggestions. Hope this helps:

+ people are becoming obese is that because they are ...
+ which includes the high amount of fat, sugar, and carbs in fact of instead of eating healthy food.
+ ... one of the most critical/serious/.... problems that affects plenty of people today ( you should have an adjective before the word "problem")

Also, I think it's better to add "according to a recent research study/survey/...." when you give this information: "For example, about more than 50%... "

@ZiaMin
Hi, here are some of my thoughts on your essay!

- "the level of...=> I think "more and more" can be replaced with "increasingly" which sounds more academic and concise

-"...this problem... => I don't think "which is challenging to humans" is neccessary because every problem is challenging hhh ;)
-the use of "excessively" sounds a bit inappropriate here. I suggest replacing it with "heavily"
-"... despite doing it yourself => themselves"
-"The possible effect of obesity includes humans' physical and mental health"
-"normal people" => better to use "ordinary people"
-"... make it difficult for you => them"
-"Likewise, because of overwhelming outside, most ..." => duh this sentences is quite bad since it doesn't make clear your idea. So I wrote it in my own way in case you wanna refer to it => "Because of obesity, people usually experience self-unconfidence as their body is unattractive and fear being body-shamed. In the long term, this would lead to severe stress.

-"overweight is one of the most problems"

There are some mistakes in your essay: poor choice of word (The best way is to learn words' contexts and read more example. In long term, it would help you to form a sense to use the correct words); unclear sentences (You should write many single sentences and add transitional words afterwards to link them); gramatical mistakes

Overall, your essay is acceptable. However, it's still not really persuasive and concise so try to ask why this is the case and why you write this sentence (what are the causes/problems/effects) and explain them in detail

I hope my suggestion would help. Stay consistent to the end to achieve your target band score :)

You have to work on your opening paraphrase. It should be a direct representation of the original discussion topic. It must also directly respond to the questions provided. Your paraphrase is not accurate, nor does it respond to the given questions. You need to use the responses to show the examiner that you understood the discussion requirement and that your reasoning topics are relevant to the discussion. If I had written this paraphrase, I would have said :

Obesity has become an uncontrollable health issue in the present day when compared to previous years. I believe that this is caused by two reasons namely... Sadly, the rampant obesity in society has resulted in...

Note how my presentation resulted in the 3 sentence minimum requirement of the paragraph being met. That is important because the proper formatting of the paragraph is scored in the essay. It must always be between 3-5 sentences, no more, no less.

You should not say "In my opinion" in this essay because it is a general discussion presentation. As such, you should have worked on using gender neutral pronouns in the presentation to allow for more clarity in your explanation and a better GRA score. Both of the discussion paragraphs are only a series of reasons with very little explanation development in the paragraph. Try to find a way to relate the two topics by discussing their commonality in relation to the obesity discussion. To create an effective paragraph, you can use the following format:

- Topic sentence 1 (Reason 1)
- explain why this is a primary cause
- Main effect of this cause on the health of the person
- Example to support the connection between the reason and the effect.
- Give an additional explanation to tie up the reason and cause in the presentation paragraph

The same format should be used in the presentation of the second reasoning paragraph. This is the best way to achieve a better C&C score. Good discussion topics are not going to be useful to your score if you are unable to connect these and clearly explain the connection within the same paragraph.

Work on your conclusion as well. Always use the conclusion to summarize the topic and discussion points. It is never a one sentence presentation of an under developed sentiment or opinion. Always wrap up the discussion using proper reverse paraphrasing of the content.

Hello! Here are some suggestions for you, hope it helps!

- "is increasing more and more than many years ago"
--> The level of obesity has grown significantly over time.

- "fast food which includes the amount ... "
--> ...fast food, which exceeds the regular standard limits of fat, sugar and carbohydrates.

"... more than 50% of citizens in American have become fat by these eating habits."
--> I think that you should mention the great sales of McDonald's and several other fast food chains here to show how much the Americans eat junk food.

- "... excessively in today nowadays"

@jhhh11
I suggest using more acadamic words and having flexible structure to have a higher score