Unanswered [1] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Writing Feedback   Posts: 4

People's problems with integration in a new place (eg. finding schools for children)


Beauty17 56 / 93 5  
Oct 25, 2016   #1
Writing Task 1 hal 16 (Integration problem for people living abroad)

A comparison of the percentage of kind difficulties for people who move to other countries according to people's ages is shown in this bar chart. Overall, persons in middle age have most problematic in a new country, while finding schools for children become the lowest percentage of problem than others for all aged.

The problem of accomplishing finance is the highest percentage for people aged 18-34. There is a slight increased of this problem proportion in people aged 35-54 to 35%. For oldest people, it decreased suddenly to under 30%.

The completing health care becomes a problem for 33% in early aged. However, it is the greatest problem for people in middle aged and over 55, more than 35% for both.

The proportion of problem of finding schools for children is more than 5% for young people. There was a dramatic increase of this problem in people aged 35-54 to 17%. Then, for elderly people, this problem becomes the less with small number only 2%.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 793 309  
Oct 25, 2016   #2
Hi Meireza,

Here's my analysis of your report summary. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- A comparison of the information about the percentage of various kind of difficulties for people (...) according to people's agesthree different age groups is shown in thisthe bar chart.

- Overall, it can be seen that persons in middle age group have the most problematic problem in a new country (...) percentage of problem than others for all agedother age groups .

Meireza, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

A comparison of the information... (1st sentence)
Overall, it can be seen that... (2nd sentence)
Meanwhile, finding schools for... (3rd sentence)


As you can see, the third paragraph of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. Therefore, avoiding this mistake in the next practice would be beneficial towards the development of your writing later on.

Hope this helps :)
dinartika19 37 / 69 6  
Oct 26, 2016   #3
Hello Beauty!
Here are my suggestion for you!

Making a shopping list in your essay will make your score lower than it should be.

As for me, it is better for you to seek language of comparison and language of change.

To make it simple, then you can write just only two paragraph about it.

Keep spirit!!
Faridadwi18 67 / 114 13  
Oct 26, 2016   #4
Hi Beauty,

... have most problematic situation in a new country, ...

- It is better to make two sentences in the overview. do not explain the lowest number in the overview.
- do not explain all the numbers, try to do grouping so you can give a clear explanation.


Hopefully it helps.


Home / Writing Feedback / People's problems with integration in a new place (eg. finding schools for children)