Some people say that TV advertisements have benefits, while others believe the opposite. Discuss both views, give your own opinion and include examples from your experience.
I am trying to score 8 in IELTS writing but I am getting 6.5. I have already attempted 3 times. Please help me by reviewing my answer below to above topic .
the advertisements are not useful
The introduction of television was one of the major breakthrough during the 20th century.Originally the television which is also abbreviated as TV was used for the commercial purposes only, but, soon it got launched into the public domain. This was considered as a highly important milestone, as, this was the medium to reach out to the masses and communicate messages.
The capability of TV to reach out masses attracted a lot of people with business interest and they started to brainstorm- the possibility of positioning their products in the minds of populations using this new medium. The idea was far more success unlike thought originally and the profits for the business houses doubled and tripled soon.
Without much realization, the advertisements soon became part of lives for masses. Though till date different sections of population debate on the usefulness of these advertisements to the end-users.
Some point-out, that, the advertisements are helpful as these help people learn about new products in the market, the information on location of a particular new hypermarket, health products, etc. They also serve as useful breaks for someone who might like to stretch in between watching a movie just to ensure the enough levels of physical activity.
While other argue, if, there is someone who wishes to buy a product or a service, he or she does not need an advertisement to know about the same. The information can be researched using the internet. Also, they point out that the advertisements waste precious time of a person who has actually bought a paid subscription and is enjoying a movie. In literal terms as time is considered money. It's either the advertisers help me save my time or my money. May be they can pay for my subscription and then they are free to use some of my time.
Besides, one can imagine, the impact on psychic state of a child watching a cola advertisement, where, his favorite hero is doing stunts after two sips of the cola.
Considering the various reasons, in my opinion, the advertisements are not really useful and policies should be implemented in order to discontinue the existing trend.
Sorry, I accidentally posted the comment when it had not been done yet.
Hi @awahidt3, I have some opinion about your essay:
1/ I've recognized that you have some major unnecessary grammar mistakes:
1/ You have some grammar mistakes:
breakthroughs. The word "major breakthrough" is a tautology.
the enough. I don't think there is an article before the word "enough"
different date. An adjective should be before a Noun.
And so on. You might want to have a look at the grammar.
2/ You are so far away from the topic. It requires you to discuss "TV advertisement benefits" from both points of view. You divided the topic to Tv, Advertisement and benefits, which extremely confused readers. They do not know what are you discussing.
3/ You might want to consider your essay structure because it doesn't look connected together. We don't need 3 paragraphs for an introduction.
4/ You are over limited words (around 100 words)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,211 3650
There is a clear noun-phrase disagreement in this section of your essay : "... major breakthrough during the 20th century." Since there wasn't just one breakthrough during that century, you should be presenting that word in its plural form; "breakthroughs". You also do not need a comma between "only" and "but" because that is a continuing statement rather than new idea for the continuing sentence. These are the major GRA problems that exist in your essay that could have an adverse effect on your bracket score.
The main reason that your essay will automatically fail though is because you are not discussing anything in relation to the given prompt requirements. Let me outline the errors that led to the automatic failing score for this essay.
Prompt Topic: Some people say that TV advertisements have benefits, while others believe the opposite.
Your Topic: The introduction of television was one of the major breakthrough during the 20th century.
Based on the prompt topic comparison alone you can see that you have deviated from the discussion topic. Showing that you do not have the ability to understand any English discussions. The original topic was about advertisements, your topic was about the invention of television. The two topics shall never meet. Your discussion topic is non-existent as far as the examiner is concerned.
Discussion Instructions: Discuss both views, give your own opinion and include examples from your experience.
Your Instruction: Non-existent. You do not properly paraphrase the discussion instruction at all.
Based on these mistakes alone, disregarding your GRA problems, your TA score would automatically be a 1. Your answer is completely unrelated to the task. With such a score, you will never pass the test. All because your English comprehension skills are extremely poor thus preventing you from properly understanding and discussing the essay in the manner required.
The proper discussion approach to this essay is really very simple. You just need to provide a 5 paragraph essay that sticks to the requirements every time. Let me show you a sample of how to approach this essay in a manner that will, at the very least, get you as close to a 7.5-8 as possible.
These days, people are considering whether TV advertisements have positive effects or if it delivers negative feedback instead. There are several public opinions to consider for each side, but for this essay, only one aspect of each public discussion will be considered. These will be the basis of my personal opinion aside from additional information coming from my own experiences and explanations.
The positive occurrences coming from televised advertisements are believed to come from the influence it provides. The people who see an advertisement as a good influence base their opinion on...
Others though believe that there are negative aspects to be seen from such media influenced based sales promotions because...
My personal insight is that... I base this opinion on my experience with...
Finally, we can deduce that...
These are the only requirements you have to present when discussing such a prompt. It does not have to be turned into an overdrawn discussion as you have done above. All you need are the basics; 5 paragraphs composed of 5 sentences each. For this essay the format is:
Par. 1 Paraphrase
Par. 2 POV 1
Par. 3 POV 2
Par. 4 Personal Opinion
Par. 5 Concluding summary
There is always a preset format for each discussion type. Familiarize yourself with the discussion types and methods of discussion and work on improving your work from there. There are ample samples to be found here. Just click on the Similar Discussion [+] link to get started.