IELTS writing: Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects.

Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

History vs. Science and Technology

Many people that I know claim that Science and Technology are more vital than History. This issue is definitely a controversial one. I personally believe that History and Science and Technology are equally important. In this essay, I would like to outline both views.

We can learn the past from History and make the improvement for our future by Science and Technology. Archaeologists visit the unknown territories to excavate the ancient objects and analyze the topographies in order to know how the ancients lived. For example, Harappan Civilization flourished 5000 years ago with its great buildings and facilities. But a thousand years later their cities were abandoned due to the droughts. From this case, we have learned how the climate change affect people' live. And with the knowledge of Science and Technology, we find the way to perfect our drainage system and manage the water supply.

Another example, people use candles to light up the rooms at night in ancient times. However, candles are not safe as it may cause fires. Later, Edison has invented the lamp with his knowledge of Science and Technology. Also, we want to hold the memories for our past, so camera is invented. All these changes make our live safe and convenient.

In Conclusion, History and Science and Technology are both important. They should have the same proportion at the school subjects. So students can get ideas from History and make our lives better with Science and Technology.

Amo, aside from clarity issues, the only GRA related problem I can find in this essay is the missing comma after your introductory element within the last sentence of your concluding summary. There should be a comma after the word "So" to indicate a pause for the reader who should consider the content of the statement afterwards.

While your approach to this essay paraphrase is different, I would not say that it is an accurate paraphrase. That is because the prompt paraphrase should not contain the reference to the pronoun "I" when indicating the topic instructions. This is not a direct response essay so you should not be making any direct declarations in the paraphrase because you will not be able to justify your presentation. I would have presented this, in what I believe is a more appropriate presentation as follows:

There is an ongoing discussion as to whether history or Science and Technology are more marked educational topics at the moment. Both sides have valid discussion points. I have my own opinion regarding this discussion. However, it would be better if a discussion of both sides are presented before I make any personal declarations.

Using the above prompt presentation, it becomes clear that a 5 paragraph essay will be presented using 3 reasoning paragraphs. This isn't a 4 paragraph essay because you need to present the following discussion points as individual paragraphs:

1. Public POV 1
2 Public POV 2
3. Personal Opinion

Do not use the collective first pronoun "we" in the discussion because you are not discussing a personal opinion at first. The public POV should be presented using the third person pronouns instead. Secondary pronouns are indicated by: they. him, her, them. Ownership words or phrases can only be used such as "Groups that believe" or "There are some people", or even "The supporters..." Are some ownership phrases that show a clear reference to whose point of view is being discussed. The "I" pronoun should not come into play until the third reasoning paragraph. Based on these requirements, you can see why your discussion is not clear in terms of reference and how this essay can tend to confuse the reader. This is not a well written essay due to the improper use of reference pronouns.

These mistakes however, are not the main reason that this essay will automatically get a failing score. You have written only 242 words. The essay is 8 words under the minimum word requirement of 250. As such deductions will be made for the missing word count and added to the other errors in your essay. This is the main reason why your work does not have a prayer of getting a passing score in an actual test setting.

Hi, as far as I know, there are some serious mistakes in your essay. I would divide them into 4 marking criteria
1. Task Achievement: This is a discursive essay, which you are required to express your ideas in a balanced way. However, your introduction and body paragraphs did not satisfy it, it seems to me that the ideas you provided are totally irrelevant to the topic. Always remember to include the opening statement in each body paragraph, where the examiners will look as an interpretation of the whole paragraph.

2. Coherence and Cohesion: You lack both of them. There are no cohesive devices (linking words) between sentences. More seriously, the entire of your essay is terribly connected.

3. Grammar Range: Most of your essay is written by simple sentences. You need to use a wide range of complex sentences in order to get at least 6.0

4. Lexical Resource: There are many mistakes about word collocation. Some words you used are unnatural and irrelevant to use.