Please help me by giving me feedback on this essay. Thank you so much.
the importance of traditional subjects
Schools are spending more time teaching traditional subjects such as history. Some people think they should rather spend more time teaching skills that can help students find a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, most of the schools' curriculums mainly emphasize on teaching traditional classes like literature or history, which is assumed to be not as essential as teaching job-oriented subjects. In my opinion, students should balance the length of time they studying these fields because of the benefits pupils can earn after acknowledging them.
Firstly, people can approach a large number of experiences collected for thousands of years by their ancestors. Through their achievements and mistakes, students are capable of modifying and enhancing themselves in a positive way. Secondly, pupils have capabilities of shaping their characters and personalities, which play important roles in securing well-paid careers in the dynamic and competitive environment. Furthermore, a child taught how to treat people in polite and moral ways will have an advantage from other kids in creating a broad and long-lasting network. This shows how necessary the traditional subjects are, and children ought to spend more time discovering deeply in this field.
On the other hand, people cannot ignore the significant benefits that students can gain from learning skill lessons. Lacking this type of knowledge results in the rise of unemployment in modern life, which is one of the reasons why there was an increasing number of crimes who are juveniles. In addition, children have opportunities to find out which fields are their strength and weakness. As a result, they can improve themselves in a directed way, and this will support them in following their passions.
To conclude, the importance of traditional subjects are as valuable as the role of job-guided ones, so they shouldn't be supposed to be worthless.
I don't think you have given enough attention to an important part of the prompt: "To what extent do you agree or disagree?".
It's fine to explain the benefit of subjects like history, and also the benefits of teaching skills, but you need to have a paragraph where you explain your opinion. You can agree with either option, or you can say that you believe a balance is needed - your actual opinion does not matter much, as long as you can provide reasons to support it. But you have to say "My opinion is..." or "I believe..." or "My personal point of view is..." or something along those lines. You did mention your opinion briefly in the opening paragraph, but you should elaborate it more in the body of the essay.
You also have a number of grammar errors and some of your sentences are a bit long. I don't think the word "approach" is used correctly.
I hope this helps
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,447 4693
Nguyen, you lost track of what the prompt is asking you to discuss which is the measurement of your agreement or disagreement with the given discussion. Your essay deviated from the prompt discussion in your response and as such, created non-responsive discussion paragraphs as well. Therefore, this essay, though showing insight, will not be able to get a passing score in the actual test. If you do not discuss the essay according to the required parameters and touch on the required discussion topics within the body of paragraphs, then your essay prove 2 things. First, that you do not understand English instructions to the extent that it is required in an academic setting and second, you are careless in your writing techniques because you did not double check your response in accordance with the prompt requirements.
Writing a coherent and cohesive essay requires you to stick to the talking points provided in the instructions. Your first paragraph is a total deviation from that reference, further adding to the failure of your essay. Make sure that you represent a discussion of each topic provided in the original discussion in your body of paragraphs because that is the best way to present your ability to clearly understand instructions, recognize important discussion points, and appropriately respond to the discussion.