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Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to succeed

Lime 1 / -  
Apr 26, 2017   #1

benefits of choosing a job early

In contemporary world, opinions are divided whether people should decide their career in their early life and stick with it until they retire or they should make alterations in their occupation. While I accept that changing job has many advantages, it is not to say that pursuing the job that people have chosen has no redeeming features.

On the one hand, keep doing one job can lead to satisfying working life. Firstly, because many people have been extremely determined to their dreams since they were children, they have to try very hard and coerce them to work with all their effort in order to achieve successes in the future. For example, it is said that, from childhood, children who want to pursue the medical pathway devote many attempts to accomplish the tasks and examinations to enter the medical schools and become well-known practitioners and surgeons; therefore, as they fulfill their hopes and dreams, they will forever stick to their occupations. Secondly, longevity of experience in one field is one of the momentous factors for ones to achieve their goals and get promotions. There is ample evidence suggesting that the more adroit in tackle the problems the employees is the more opportunities they get pay raise and promotion.

On the other hand, I believe that hopping jobs and work as contemporary job-holders give people a rewarding experience. Job hoppers are said to accumulate different skills, which are beneficial for their job development later. For instance, in some developing nations such as Vietnam, due to the lack of social skills in university education, some postgraduates are trying a variety of occupations so as to gain not only social skills but also effective communication techniques . Furthermore, frequent changes in workplaces enable the new workforce to decide what they are really into. Because some children are oriented and forced by their parents, if it were not for the job-hopping, they would everlastingly work in the field that they do not have any passion.

In conclusion, though there are many benefits of choosing a job early and doing it, it seems to me that it would better for people to make alterations in working.

Please give me some advices to improve my essay and the score as well.

Anhy chan 12 / 23 1  
Apr 27, 2017   #2
Hi @Lime I have read your writing closely. Turning to a detailed description, I have found you have needed a few improvement:
For the first, I observe that you did not carefull on putting linking word on your essay. This then can make your essay lack of meaning eventhough as a reder I can understand indeed. As such, try to learn it more in order to boost your score in cohesive and coherence categories. Beside that, I also argue that you have to learn more about grammar deeply, because there a little mistake I found there, for instance "to satisfying " should be "to + V1".

For your conclusion, your statement is too brief and do not covered all your idea. Actually, you need to paraphrase your thesis statement to figure out the conclusion too. However, I personally believe that it is a quiet good essay, you can make a more powerfull essay in your next writing.

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