Please give me a score and all your suggestions after you read my essay !!!!!!! I wanna get band 7!!!! I would appreciate !!!!!!
ESSAY: Some people think personal happiness is directly related to economic success, while others believe this depends on other factors. Discuss.
The issue of whether an enormous fortune serves as a crucial factor and prerequisite of personal happiness has sparked off an intense debate.Some people claim that happiness is directly linked to wealth and fortune, while others argue that other factors should be taken into consideration as well. In this essay, I am aim at discussing both opinions and giving my own perspective.
On the one hand, earning a vast amount of money gives individuals a sense of fulfillment. It is simply because nowadays, people become increasingly money-worshiping, especially in the material world. They tend to compare with others by buying luxurious products such as luxury cars to satisfy their vanity. It is out of question that possessing a large fortune is acknowledged as a critical criterion in the realm of assessing personal happiness and the development of career.In addition, it is undeniable that being successful in making money can enable individuals to enjoy a comfortable and convenient life. One example will suffice to illustrate this view.The rich are in a position to have a vacation in summer resorts with their families. The living qualities and standards of the wealthy, unquestionably, are largely developed and elevated.
On the other hand, other factors also contribute to improving happiness of individuals. To begin with, people who are satisfied with their jobs tend to feel happy, even though their salaries are moderate. This kind of happiness derives from the passion of their jobs and the awareness of the value of their works. Additionally, people who have relatively high emotion-quotient incline to be happy. Unarguably, individuals who are proficient at handling personal relationship and strengthening the bond of their families always feel happy. However, their happiness cannot be purchased by money.
To conclude, I concede that a good fortune is of vital significance in terms of guaranteeing personal happiness.Nevertheless, I am still convinced that other factors are also required to be taken into account such as positive attitudes towards life because they are priceless and indispensable in daily life.
I like the opening of your essay which is a paraphrased version of the question. I found an issue regarding the grammar in the sentence: In this essay, I am aimaiming at discussing both opinions and giving my own perspective. You may use varieties of transition signal to make your writing better, but do not overuse it. I can give you a score if it is based on the IELTS criteria, but I personally give 7 to your essay. Regards.
Hi suxiaojing,
your writing seems good.
Here there are some suggestions to improve your score:
Instead of saying:
I am aim at discussing both opinions and giving my own perspective.
You could expand a tiny little bit more by saying what points actually you will develop in your essay.
For instance, you could use:I will show that, even if both opinions have strong arguments on their side, I believe that ....
I think that this will help you in improving the score for the logical sequence of thoughts and the cohesion part.
However, everything seems to be extremely precise and well done.
I don't know if this is a band 7 actually, because I am still struggling to understand how scores are assigned in IELTS tasks. I would probably say that you are close to your goal, but you still need to check some occasional errors, and if possible, try to use a wider range of grammatical structures and more complex phrases. I think that some of your sentences are too short, and maybe could be expanded more.
