IELTS TASK 2: Some people think that the use of computers should be restricted. Do you agree or not?

technological revolution effect

There is no doubt that modern technology have advanced immensely and profoundly affected every aspect of human life. Being invented in technological revolution, computers play a crucial role in our daily life. Nevertheless, there is no denying that computers also have its double-edged sword. Notwithstanding its gigantic benefits to the human life, the utilization of the computers must be restrained promptly in the light of being fatally influenced on people's health and changing their thoughts or characteristics.

Initially, it should be borne in mind that our health are directly poisoned by many atrocious habits caused by human computers' misapplication. For instance, gazing at screen of a computer, people easily suffer from eye strain without any suitable unwinding. Furthermore, the electro-magnetic waves from computers diametrically affect people's nervous systems, which is the reason why people have some unendurable headache after exerting it for a long time. Simultaneously, sitting one place and lacking of doing exercise due to computers, osteoarthritis and obesity are the dire consequences people may roundly condemn.

Another special consideration in this case is that there is an incredible, adverse alteration in human discernment, especially in their peculiarity. Primarily, that individuals uncontrollably utilize the PC for a long time can become a chief motivation which spur them to be indolent, not willing to do any outdoor activities. Likewise, we cannot eliminate the risk of approaching malicious information such as violent actions, sexual videos which impart negative thoughts and even inappropriate for some certain ages. Hence, they will be affected by these factors and form abhorrent personalities toward the society they are living in.

[i]P/s: In this essay, I don't write a conclusion. Please just mark the introduction and the body and leave a IELTS band score you think this essay should recieve.[i]

Hello,

I think your point of view in the essay is clear. However, you should use collocation to express ideas correctly, avoid words which have the too strong meaning and arrange ideas more reasonably.

I have tried to paraphrase some sentences in your essay in the simpler way for your reference, and hope it is useful for you.

Best regards.

There is no doubt that the rapid advance of science and technology, typically such as a computer, results in beneficial changes to people's life. Nevertheless, I would argue that it should limit the access to computers in the light of its negative influences on people's health and thoughts or characteristics.

On the one hand, it should be borne in mind that people's health may be severely ruined by their misapplication of computers. Firstly, gazing at screen of a computer for hours may cause people to get eye problems such as eye strain, myopia. Secondly, the electromagnetic waves emitted from computers may diametrically affect people's ... why some people have unendurable headache after ... Furthermore, lack of doing exercise due to sitting still in front of a computer screen can put you at risk of osteoarthritis and obesity.

On the other hand, using the computer uncontrollably exerts negative impacts on people's thoughts and personality. The first reason is that the overuse of computer can make people indolent, not willing ... Likewise, the internet is fraught with malicious information such ..., which imparts negative thoughts and inappropriate actions to youngsters. Hence, they will be badly affected by these factors, which forms abhorrent ...

Hi @thuhabk
I'm so delighted to receive your extremely helpful writing feedback! I think I have to change a lot in my writing way. Also, your rewriting my essay makes me utterly admired. Thanks a lot for your help!

For the TA score, due to the lack of proper response to the given prompt, this will most likely score a 4. C&C would be a 3 due to the overwhelmingly confusing sentence structures and idea presentation. The LR score will be anywhere between a 2 and 3 due to the lack of word formation skills. Unfortunately, the GRA score will also fall under the band score of 3 because the grammatical errors have made the sentences extremely difficult for a native English reader to understand. This means that the overall score will most likely fall under the 3 bracket. You have to focus on simplifying your explanations and making sure that you offer a clear prompt paraphrase with your next essay. Those corrections should help improve your score.