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Playing video games - the happiest moment of my life

chienlin92086 1 / -  
Mar 17, 2020   #1

Gaming period of time

My essay:

The happiest moment in my life is when I playing the computer game, although I am not playing now, but the game makes me happy to let me can't forget that period of time. I have played many games when I was a child, story games, driving games, or another fighting games, in that time, we don't have a smartphone that we can't play games on the phone, so this computer games make me very impressed.

Maple Story is an online game, it can make friends in the game, you can group a team to take missions on the game when the task is hard to do, the team should rally and think about how to through a barrier, it always has a lot of fun to everyone. At that time, I usually woke up at 12 pm for the game, in order to be better than others. I although spend a lot of money to buy the strong weapons, I mean the real money from my grandmother, it's fun to spend a lot of money to be the best in the game, but now I feel regret to do that, because if that money save in my bank, I can eat a lot of things now.

Although playing the computer game is fun, but it is wasted many times, many people play games when he was a student, I must say you have to choose your important thing to do, don't just play for fun and have no goals or lose your direction in life.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,686 4759  
Mar 17, 2020   #2
You need to change the verb form in your first sentence from "... when I playing the computer game..." to "when I am playing the computer game. " Use a semicolong for the part that states , "when I was a child; " Other errors include:

but the game makes me happy to let me can't forget that period = ...... that I cannot forget that...
or another fighting games = another fighting game then a period. This is a run on sentence presentation that should be corrected.

Okay, I cannot correct your essay line by line. It would take forever to correct all your errors. So let me just indicate what skills you need to focus on improving. You are constantly using contractions in the essay. This is practice you have to avoid because this is not allowed in academic writing and, when you take the English test for foreign students, you will lose points in the GRA section of you constantly use contractions in your presentation. You better start practicing how to do academic writing this early so it can become second nature to you when the time comes.

Next, avoid run on sentences. Almost all your sentences are run-on sentences. Practice writing simple and complex sentences instead. Do not mistake long sentences for complex sentence. These are a not complex sentences. A complex sentence has an independent and dependent clause in its presentation.

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