Unanswered [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 2


The Pop Parade website break the record with the highest number of visitors



kiki23 37 / 58  
Nov 10, 2016   #1
A breakdown of the information about the number's comparison of visitors to the two new music sites on the web in a 15-day period measured in thousand is shown in the line chart. Overall, the both figures witnessed an upward trend while the Pop Parade trends break the record as the highest one.

Initially, the gap between the figures is widened up, with the guest of the pop parade at 120 thousands and approximately 40 thousands for music choice. At more detail to look at, the Pop Parade trend remain at the same point in the third day while it tends to fall down and reaches the lowest point in the ninth day at 40 thousands. Nevertheless, the Music Choice experiences a slight increase trend at the third day with approximately 60 thousands and reaches its lowest point at the ninth day at 20 thousands.

A part from previous comparison, the Pop Parade experiences a remarkable increasing trend in the eleventh day at 150 thousands while the same dramatic raise trend in the twelfth day at 120 thousands. The trends are overtaken in the twelfth and thirteenth day while the Pop Parade trend reaches the peak at 170 in the last day. In reverse, the end of the period shows a considerable rate by 40 thousands for pop parade trend, while a slight increase trend of around 10 thousands witness in music choice making the gap between them narrowed down.


  • 290514_1.jpg


ibe13 36 / 38  
Nov 11, 2016   #2
Aloha Kiki, here is my thought for you

(1) do not add "s" in "thousand" when you mention number before thousand e.g. 120 thousand NOT 120 thousands
(2) you can change "the first day" >> "day 1"
(3) The trends are overtaken in the twelfth and thirteenth day [...] (I don't understand where it is referred to. Pay attention to Plural and Singular noun )

(4) while a slight increase trend of around 10 thousands witnessis witnessed (change your active tense to passive; thus, your sentence has good flow ) in music choice making the gap between them narrowed down.

I hope it can be helpful and I am waiting for your feedback


Home / Writing Feedback / The Pop Parade website break the record with the highest number of visitors
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:

Best Writing Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳