Hi everyone, I am practising my writing. I would be thankful if you give me any comments.
IF YOU HAD THE POWER TO CHANGE ANYTHING IN YOUR COUNTRY, WHAT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO CHANGE AND WHY?
the transit systems
There are many things i want to change: poverty, corruption, education,... However i am just going to choose one out of these to discuss in details which is the infrastructure, especially the transit systems.
The number of public transport in my country is too small. Although we do have trains but they are now a hundred years old from the French colonial period. We haven't been able to create our own trains. Moreover, to commute in a city, it is unnecessary to use trains. Therefore, there is only bus when talking about public transport. The amount of buses is not enough to serve all people in the city. Moreover, buses have very poor quality and bad service attitude. The bus drivers often drive carelessly and always honk loudly.
Therefore, people tend to use their personal vehicles which are cars and motorbikes for convenient commuting. Having many alleys in the cities results in the preference in using motorbikes. This leads to the overwhelming of motorbikes which causes heavy traffic jams at peak hours. The air is then extremely polluted by vehicles' dust and with the heat of this season, people are all exhausted whenever going out. The drivers easily get tired and frustrated which might cause unnecessary street rages.
Eventually, If i had the power to change anything in my country, i would change the transit systems. I would cut off the number of personal vehicles by providing people with much more better public transport. The roads would be larger . There would be sidewalks anywhere needed. More than that, all the vehicles would be smoke-free. Not only this would help to clean the environment but the citizens would also be healthier and happier living in the fresh air.
In the first place, loads of informal language, perhaps this kind of register can be used in TOEIC writing, but, it is still rather informal, contractions, uncapitalised 'I' and so on.
Some of your sentences are really unnecessary, for instance, people tend to use their personal vehicles
which are cars and motorbikes for convenient commuting. , I mean, everybody knows what public transport is and what private cars are, you don't really need to elaborate on that imo.
Also, you need to improve your overall cohesion and consistency.
Try to be more formal with your language. I have noticed that there were instances wherein you could have used better phrasings to make your essay appear more put-together.
Let's take a look at your first paragraph. Not only is it lacking the brief introduction that is usually necessary when you're establishing what the content and thesis of your essay is going to be, but it also was quite informal. When you're curating your sentences, you can always opt to have more academically correct structures.
If I were to revise this, I would place it as:
There are numerous issues that engulf [country name]: poverty, corruption, educational system, and others. If I were to choose one to discuss, it would be infrastructure. In particular, I would change the transit system.
Notice how I had tried to incorporate more of the right punctuation alongside structuring the essay with a step-by-step flow. Dividing your complex sentences into separate portions can improve the quality because it shows more distinction and levels of argumentation.
On your second paragraph, I would say that you should try to rephrase your opening line. It appears to be timid when you just mention that you the number of public transport is too small. What you could say is, for instance, that the public transportation system is inaccessible in other portions of the country. Phrasing it this way gives a more direct problem rather than just mentioning numbers. You should also try to be more descriptive when you are trying to explain a problem. Try incorporating more adjectives in your essay, for example.
Your verb tenses also have a tendency to be all over the place. I recommend that you try to be more consistent with it, especially in your third paragraph. If you can do this, you will be able to evade these small mistakes that negatively impact your essay.
Best of luck.
Thank you a lot for your advice. i always feel that i add too much unnecessary information in my essay. Thanks you very much.
I'm very appreciated your help. It's really helpful. I'll pay more attention and put more effort in my essay next time. Thanks again for what you have done.