A breakdown of the figure for the number of car trips by purpose and gender of drivers in 2005. As seen in the chart, it is important to notice that "work" broke the record as the highest proportion compared with others. While visiting town hit the low.
The vast proportion comes from work, almost reached Three fifths. This was followed by shopping, one fifth. Recreation was popular one in Man side, approximately 10 percent, while the women side just less than 5 percent. It seems women rarely visiting town, it can be seen that it just about 3 percent, while men was biased, about half one fifth.
A part of previous comparison, the lowest reach was bank and running errands by men, approximately less than 5 percent. Visiting friends almost 5 times as much as work. It obvious that Women prefer to running errands than visit her friends. The different work of men and women look likely just slightly, about 10 percent.
how much the score? thank you.
comparisonchart.jpg
Irvin, welcome to the Team! :) I hope you can gain a lot of useful feedback in this forum. I am glad that the number of members in EssayForum are growing exponentially. However, if you want to know your estimated score, I would be really pleased to help you. You can see the detailed descriptions of my feedback below:
- A breakdown of the figure for the number of car trips by purpose and gender of drivers in 2005 is depicted in the bar chart .
- As seen in the chart, it is important to notice that "work" broke the record as the highest proportion compared with others whereas visiting townwere the least percentage of all.
- The vast proportion comes from work, almost reached Three fifths.Both men and women were very keen on using their cars for work, at approximately 50 and 40 percent respectively.
- This was followed by shopping, one fifth.Shopping came up as the second highest number of using cars by both males and females.
These two examples show you that it is somehow not necessary to mention all the data in every sentence.
- Visiting friends was almost 5 times as much as work.
- It was obvious that Women prefer to running errands than visit her friends.
All of those mistakes were really crucial in grammatical range and accuracy part. It is possible to get only 5.0. due to those errors. Remember the criteria of band 5,'attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences'. This is the criteria that you have to avoid if you want to reach a high score in grammar of IELTS.
Overall, I am not really sure that this essay can be more than 5.0. However, this is just a prediction score, no need to worry. You just need to practice more and more. Perhaps, other people in this forum have different perspective, feel free to share it here. Good luck for the next practice Irvin :)
Hi Irvin, for your score, base on the usage of the English language and the overall structure of the essay, I would give you a 6, this is because your analysis can still be polished, though you were able to come up with a fairly written analysis base on the given representation, your sentence structure lack the logical explanation and this is very crucial when it comes to this type of writing project.
Then again, I am not an IELTS administrator nor an expert so you can treat this as an open idea to your score for this IELTS task.
Below are my suggestions to help you come up with a better analysis.
- A breakdown of the figure foron the
- drivers in 2005 is shown on the graph below . - As seen inShifting our focus on the chart, - compared withto others.
- While visiting the town hit the lowest .
- was popular one inon the Manssidecategory , - that it is just about 3 percent,
- about half one fifthof the mens percentage .
- A part of previous comparison,- this phrase is not necessary
- It is obvious that Women
- prefer to running errands than visit her friends.
- look likely just slightly different at, about 10 percent.
There you have it Irvin, I hope the corrections are useful in your revision.
Hi @Irvinhi, I would like to give some suggestions:
- Firstly, I think it's better if you combine two sentences to one:
...the highest proportion compared with others. While visiting town hit the low.
to
...the highest proportion compared with others while the visiting town hit the lowest
Secondly, for the following sentences, you are missing verbs.
while the women side just less than 5 percent. It seems women rarely visiting town,
Hope it help!
Take a glance at this sentence: The different work of men and women look likely just slightly, about 10 percent.
Alternatively, you could write in this way: A negligible 10 per discrepance in work is depicted for two genders.
Be prudent you will obviously stregthen your work!
Good luck!
Hi Irvin,
Here are some corrections:
-This is a breakdown of the figure for the number
-that W omen prefer to running errands than visitingtheir friends
-while men were biased
-Three fifth|one fifth it's not clear to me.
Best wishes,
Maxim.
