Thanks for you correcting and editing..here comes the topic.
In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.
What are your opinions on this?
It has been a frequent topic of discussion around the globe that whether children should be allowed to do some salary-offered work. Thus, people are divided into two groups for the certain views they support. In spite of this, I would like to express my opinion that it depends.
On the one hand, individuals agree that youngsters shall be encouraged to participate in social works since it is surely a golden opportunity for the youth to watch and learn the reality, thereby improving their competition when they step into the sophisticated society in the future. Moreover, when it comes to analysed data, the encouraging individuals are on stronger ground. Specifically, a survey conducted by TIME Magazine last year pointed out that at least 75% superior executives of the world top 500 enterprises had a work experience during their childhood, which proved that the valuable practice guaranteed one's personal ambition.
On the other hand, I have to concede that there inevitably will be some risks while children go out for a job, compared with staying at home. It is obvious the young generation is more vulnerable to crimes. Besides, it is limited for children in terms of time and vigor, by that I mean, youngsters have been forced to encounter heavy pressure from study; therefore, many of them may do well in neither school study nor social work.
Overall, I prefer to let children go for a paid work especially for those who urgently need to earn a living due to a bad family finance, whereas for the kids of wealthy families, I suggest they should do some work for free in communities to learn to be responsible or independent, and leave more chances for the deprived ones.
You are not forcing the issue with respect to the reasons why you "don't think" that children should work. In other words, you only have a few sentences that describe these reasons, and I would certainly have a few more. It is actually true that children should "not" work under a specific age, and most of the time, in most countries (developed), that age is 15 or 16 years of age. But, you don't mention this point or others that are important for your argument.
I have made some corrections to the first two paragraphs. Take a look at them and see what you think. Then, perhaps you can re-work the essay. Then perhaps you might want to re-post the essay as well.