What are the primary causes of deforestation? To what results may it lead?

Ielts Writing task 2 - Environment problems

I'm trying to practice my writing for the next Ielts test and I only got 5.5 last time.
I feel like i have a huge problem with the way using words. Hope you guys can correct it for me.

*Forest produces fresh oxygen and participates in regulating climate. But every year tree cover of our planet is lessening due to deforestation.
What are the primary causes of deforestation? To what results may it lead?

According to environmental experts, forest plays a huge role in regulating climate. However, because of the deforestation, the amount of trees cut down each year now increases significantly and that probably leads to several damaging effects.

To begin with, we will discover about some primary causes of this phenomenon. The first reason is certainly over-exploitation for logging. We clearly can see that the amount of tree cut down is much larger than the proportion which recovers naturally. According to some recent researches, about 8% of wood harvested each year but only 2% of which are replanted. In addition, the needs of people contribute to this problem as well. The population increasing continuously each year raises the demand for new facilities. In order to fulfill the growing trend, wood is commonly chosen among architects as the main building material. Fast expansion of the manufacturing industry also takes part in the deforestation. Big organizations utilize their businesses by taking forest land to build new factories, industrial areas.

Those reasons may lead to hundred of problems. The first one definitely is air pollution. With number of trees decreased, the amount of carbon dioxide may outweigh the oxygen emitted, this can create some issues regarding respiratory. Air pollution is just minor effect as our ecosystem is greatly damaged and causes catastrophic phenomenon such as flood, drought, global warming. Based on the data recorded over the years, the temperature of Earth has increased 1-2 degree. The areas of ice are shrinking dramatically brings negative effects on the wild life of North and South poles.

In conclusion, over uses of wood and the growing presence of manufacturing industry are two main reasons that cause deforestation. Human activities carry many alarming outcomes to the surrounding environment. To deal with this situation, people need to take serious actions to preserve the forest so future generations do not have to live in a polluted planet.

Hi,

Here is my opinion for your reference.

It's a bit hard to read the essay. You have a lot of ideas, but not explain those well. And the sentences seem not relevant to each other, especially in the second paragraph. Maybe it would be better to structure your ideas first and then extend them.

For example, after "the needs of people contribute to this problem as well.", you can try to describe what kind of needs can contribute to the problem. Use this method to review your writing, and delete some unnecessary sentences.

Best wishes,
Jocelyn

@jocelyn wang
Thank you for spending time and giving detailed feedback for my short essay. I will try my best to write more clearly next time.