IELTS 2 - can prison solve crimes? Crime & education.

To admin:

I just noticed that my thread has been deleted with a reason saying "one essay at a time". I apologize for the violation of forum's regulation. I was trying to check my thread then somehow that mistake happened. Please don't delete this one since I really need help. One more useless thread title = BAN.

Subject:
In many countries, prison is the most common solution to the problem of crime.
However, another effective way is to provide people with better education so that they cannot become criminals.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

In terms of dealing with criminals, imprisonment is generally adopted by many countries. Though offering better education to the general public may seem like a proper alternative to bring down crime rate by preventing them involve in illegalities, in my view, it has limited effort on doing so.

Criminals are not always due to the deprivation of education. Indeed, one inevitable feature that authorities are facing is that offenders nowadays are equipped with higher and specialized education which has greatly increased the possibility of people becoming felons in certain fields. When they commit crimes, they are more likely to get away with their crimes and consequently, fewer convictions. Additionally, education could not solve real-life problems. Struggles at school, lack of social bonding and lack of foresight, all of which are linked to criminality. Wait, is there anything missing? Apart from external factors, personal issues could not be neglected. Internal characteristics are something education could not deal with as well and may work as a crime trigger, such as impulsivity, mental disability, a sense of isolation and even personal preference, counterintuitively, some well-educated people have a penchant for running afoul of the law - shoplifting.

If we keep dissecting the root causes of various crimes, the efficiency of better education will be further lessened. On average, higher and better education guarantees an individual's material needs by entitling them the possibility to earn money from legal means. However, many people have their internal balance that constantly weighs the gains and losses relating to one specific activity. A person may not commit minor offences, like robbery, but ends up smuggling which apparently brings him/her a big fortune. This time, the term of imprisonment may be the only thing that stops these potential lawbreakers.

To conclude, continuous and better education may have its impact on eliminating some minor offences, however, its effectiveness leaves it at that.

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One online teacher(not a native English speaker, nor tesol certified though) told me that I should elaborate the effectiveness of imprisonment in order to "discuss both views" since in her side of view this topic is "apparently a two sides question", thus the merits of both need to be discussed in detail.

As far as I'm concerned, the topic just mentioned "another effective way is better education" and it has a focus of eliminating culprits(they cannot become criminals). Since I personally presented an opinion that better education could not solve "people becoming criminals" but only restricting crime levels, I was judged as illogical and lack of evidence.

I am so confused now, do I seriously need to write one body paragraph from a side that imprisonment is effective with some examples(link to social stability then turn to the trust between government and the general public, the teacher suggested), then talk about the limitation that education itself has. Or I could answer the topic as I did herewith.

Thanks for the help, and I appreciate any response.

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Background:

I have to hit a score of 7 in writing as an entrance requirement for my job certification. I would like to practice and most importantly, I would like to figure out how native English speakers' views on these ielts tasks.

I will not contradict the observation of a fellow educational consultant as we have a policy against that at this forum. What I can do is offer you a response based upon how my students learn to approach this type of discussion from me. Setting aside previous advice, I will offer a review of this presentation. I must warn you though that I normally do not advise students who are already handled by other teachers and consultants as a sign of professionaI respect and to avoid confusing the student's writing style as already taught by his educator. Consider our interaction a one time deal since you are already handled by someone else.

I believe that the discussion basis of the essay is:


This is foundation of the discussion. The writer is then asked to consider another side of the discussion based on a different opinion:


It is this topic that the discussion requirement refers to as an alternative to the foundational belief/ opinion. This is the sole discussion target of:


The writer is given a discussion basis (imprisonment for crimes) and an alternative consideration (education to prevent crime). The imprisonment discussion is not up for debate. That is a given fact. It is the effectivity of education as a crime prevention tool that is in question. This is the point you must either strongly support or not support, using 2 paragraphs of proper defense reasons for your opinion. You need to directly tell the reader the strength of your opinion on education in relation to crime prevention ( I strongly / partially agree / disagree) based on the strength of your reason ( it has limited... ). There is no reference to " discuss both views" so a comparison presentation would be out of place as it will not allow you to clearly respond to the discussion question, which is based on a single opinion of support or non-support for the "However" statement.

You were judged illogical and lacking in explanations and examples because you opted to take a short cut by using your 2 opposing reasons in one paragraph rather than separating the reasoning justifications by spreading it out (one topic each) over 2 paragraphs. 2 related but seperate discussion presentations will create coherent and cohesive (related) paragraph discussions. The analysis you presented in the 3rd paragraph was never a part of the discussion requirements and need not be included in the discussion paragraphs.

The provided essay really had potential. It just wasn't properly discussed using the appropriate format.

Again, this is only my analysis and opinion of your work. I certainly do not mean to add to your confusion. I can only hope that my explanation helps you understand the writing task. As a reminder, this is how I teach my students to write with a focus on clarity. I do not mean to change your writing style as you have been previously taught.

@Holt
Thanks for the comment and clarification of this topic. The word "online teacher" used here may have caused some unexpected problems to both you and me, actually it was a online revising service like I present essay to the system then I will get a feedback.

Currently I am reading a book called <Writing Academic English>, other than that, I have't been taught by any real 'teacher' in IELTS writing tasks. The confusion, though not exist now, was not aiming to rebut anyone.

The reason that why I post my essay here just beacause based on my understanding that by no means should I start writing another one unless I fully understand what this task is questionning.

Thank you for the advices on my writing structure as well. You helped me a lot.