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IELTS: The private motor vehicle improved individual freedom; but it's expensive


ShineStarJoti 2 / 5  
Jun 20, 2014   #1
Topic: The private motor vehicle has greatly improved individual freedom of movement. Moreover, The automobile has become a status symbol. Yet, the use of private motor vehicle has contributed to some of today's most serious problems. How can the use of private motor vehicle be reduced?

In the today's modern era private motor vehicle has greatly improved individuals freedom by advancement in the automobiles. A person doing a reputed job want to use own vehicle for traveling and for their status symbol.

People having own motor vehicle can go anywhere where they want to go without wasting the time on waiting for the buses or trains. As we know in our daily routine, time plays an important role, with the use of private vehicles people can save our time and do something creative rather than spending in the traveling.

Although, Private motor vehicle is the status symbol for the people but on the other side it causes the problems that can not be avoidable. One of the most critical problem of increasing trend in private motor vehicle is decreasing the availability of nation's natural resources like fuel and diesel . The other problem is surge in the traffic . If the people traveling in their own motor vehicle got stuck in a traffic jam will take more time than using public transportation to reach their destination.

The use of private motor vehicle should be reduced by the awareness of people for their duties about nation and taking strict action by the government. If the people understand their duties they will start using facilities run be the government like AC buses .

In conclusion, I can state that if the facilities are provided by the government the people should have to use that are less expensive rather than using private vehicle.

SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 20, 2014   #2
In the today's modern era private motor vehicle has greatly improved individuals freedom by advancement in the automobiles. A person doing a reputed job want to use own vehicle for traveling and for their status symbol.

Well your prompt asks:

How can the use of private motor vehicle be reduced?

which means your intro is not responsive enough, if I don't want to say it's going in the wrong direction. Because you misunderstood the prompt, your whole essay doesn't respond adequately to the question. The 3 body paragraphs must be 3 solutions to reduce private motor vehicle, not like what you have done: 1st tells about the advantages of using private transports, 2nd tells about disadvantages, while 3rd only says that the awareness should be raised. You see, none of the para even mentioned about the solutions. You have to take this into thorough consideration :)

Please rewrite this essay will you?
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 20, 2014   #3
when you write 5 paragraphs, you can follow this approach
first paragraph : introduction
second paragraph : one side
third paragraph : another side (contrast to the one side)
fourth paragraph : your own opinion (whether you support the second or third paragraph or balance) but, it is preferable if you support the paragraph which is the nearest

fifth paragraph : conclusion
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Jun 20, 2014   #4
I just studied how to structure the appropriate pattern to answer (both views and give your opinion)
1. Introduction, here you must restate the prompt.
2. Body 1: first view

The automobile has become a status symbol.

3. Body 2: second view

the use of private motor vehicle has contributed to some of today's most serious problems.

4. Conclusion : paraphrase the thesis statements, give your opinion in extended conclusion and your suggestion.

Actually, there are three patterns, but this one is good enough pattern, in my opinion.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 20, 2014   #5
In the today's modern era private motor vehicle has greatly improved individuals freedom by advancement in the automobiles.

Well, you have not presented this sentence in an impressive manner. This is your hook statement and therefore it needs to be more catchy, interesting, meaningful and relevant to your topic. This is what I would suggest;

In the modern world, private vehicles are one of the main contributors that enhance the quality of living standards of people.
OP ShineStarJoti 2 / 5  
Jun 21, 2014   #6
Hi,
Thanks to Everyone,

With your help i understand the structure of the Essay and hook of the topic . I am new here and started my IELTS prepration. This was my second Essay that a tried to write but did't follow the structure and hook of the topic. Now again i rewrite this essay and need your help to do corrections in my topic.

i am typing my topic again here and requesting you to help me.


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