IELTS Writing Task 2 - Problems caused by media's projected image of beauty

Over the last few decades, the media has projected the image of women as young and thin.
What problems has this caused?
What solutions can you suggest to this?

a pattern of beauty and its impact on women

Nowadays, the beauty of woman is measured by how young and slim their body are. This is led by a massive advertisement using woman as an object. Overall, it will lead woman to follow the trend and create health issues. Thus, there should be some aids from all around to solve these issues.

It is noticeable that due to the artificial perspective of beauty, more and more woman want to be skinnier and less-aged. They put effort to follow the beauty standa by plastic surgery, cosmetic medicine and many more. This demand has become an obsession, and this is not as simple as we think because obsession come with a consequence that if it is not fulfilled. Cintia, an actress from my country always be forced to be beautiful by netizen, trapped to follow trend and has gotten her nose job for over five times in order to get a younger shaped face. Yet, instead of become more beautiful, she is now depressed as she fell ashamed to her fail surgery. And this phenomenon happen to other woman all over the world. Hence, an education about self-confident and loving ourselves the way we are, must be done in this crucial level. This will minimalize the dissatisfaction of the way they look as they are getting older.

It is also evident that more women face health issues due to the overused cosmetic as they want to be beautiful. Even woman in young ages, practice unhealthy diet in order to be thinner. My friend is suffered from anorexia as she consumes dietary medicine. I believe the parents must carefully watch and keep their children from this phenomenon.

To sum up, I really urge a careful education and support from family to tackle these effects of the media's designed-beauty standard.

Sri, the perfect word count for a Task 2 essay that will allow you to write 5 paragraphs with 5 sentences each is 250 words. Do not go beyond 250 words because when you write more than that, you will run out of time during the allotted 40 minutes to review, edit, and revise your essay content. You should also be conscious of the 5 sentence maximum requirement per paragraph. You have written one extremely long 7 sentence paragraph that delves into various topics that should have been discussed in the remaining 2 body paragraphs instead. These mistakes will really lower your final score. Always keep to the standard rules for writing the task 2 essay:

1. Write an essay of 250 words in order to better allot the exam time for polishing your work.
2. Always present 5 paragraphs in order to completely develop your single reason explanations and examples.
3. Never use your personal opinion as the closing statement.
4. Always summarize the discussion for the closing / concluding statement.

Following those basic rules will help you develop an essay that can be considered for a passing score. Not following these rules will result in a problematic and low scoring essay.

Your opening paragraph is unacceptable. This is not a proper paraphrasing of the opening statement. You began the discussion of the topic in the first paragraph without first introducing the prompt paraphrase in the paragraph. You must always assume that the examiner has no idea as to what the prompt for the discussion is so you have to explain it to him in your own words, in a manner that you are sure he will understand. So the proper first paragraph for this essay is:

The past ten years has seen a rise in the mass media promotion of the ideal woman as being youthful and skinny. This has caused a number of problems among the young women of today. There are a number of solutions that can be taken in order to address this situation. This essay will present a discussion of the problems that body shaming has caused and how it can be resolved.

The current problem with your essay is that even if we were to edit the content, you would not be able to present the 4th paragraph as a solution to the problem. That means that your essay presentation was wrong from the very start. You would need to revise the presentation in order to have the following format for your essay:

1. Paraphrase
2. problem 1 + example
3. Problem 2 + example
4. Collective solution to the problems
5. Concluding summary

This would have been the best way for you to present the essay in a manner that would have gotten you a better scoring consideration in an overall context.

I think that a paragraph should contain minimal 2 sentences. Hence, it will be better if you divide your conclusion into 2 sentences.
The question asks about "can you suggest this?" you can add a sentence such as "I believe that there are some causes and solutions which I will explain in this essay" in introduction part. this can make your essay smother than you do not use it

@eilagandhali

Hi sri, we know for sure, this essay is problem and solution essay which means the type of task is idea task. In terms of idea task, you should think of some ideas on topic, if you give personal opinion it will impact your score.

Hi there, here is my opinion
I think the introduction did not totally satisfy the requirement of both background statement and thesis statement, it is easier for you if you paraphrase from the topic.

The first body paragraph has something that misunderstand the topic. I think you should give the clear opening statement about the image of women as young and slim has several causes, then describing causes in turn.