The Problems of People Who Stay in Foreign Country

hirani03 36 / 46

Aug 26, 2016 #1

The chart presents the percentage of integration problems of society living overseas. In general, all age groups have problem in taking care of healthcare. Overall, the percentage of the middle age is much higher than the others.

The greatest problem for the young people is lack of finance, a difficulty experienced by 34 percent of the people in this group. However, not more than 10 percent this group find hard in obtaining school for their children.

People in the middle obtained the most problems. It was the highest percentage for all-three problems. For the lack of finance, it reached 35 percent. The percentage of maintain the body healthy was approximately 40 percent. The last problem for this age found school for their children. It took much lower, approximately 20 percent.

For the oldster group, the highest difficulty is cared for healthy. It was more than 35 percent. In contrast, finding school for children is not problem anymore for this group.

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ichanpants89 16 / 742

Aug 26, 2016 #2

Hi Hirani,

Please do remember to give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph in order to ease the reader in reading and checking your essay. Joining all paragraphs like what you've done is not suggested at all. However, I have an alternative paragraph for the introduction part of your essay. I hope you can follow through.

~~The chart presents the percentage of integration problems of society living overseas~~ .

A breakdown of the information about expatriates' integration problems while staying in overseas is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in the percentage of people ranging from 18-34 age group to people over 55 age group. Overall, it can be seen that, all age groups experience problems in healthcare, and middle-aged group is predominant.

That's it Hirani, I hope this helps :)

akbarmappiare 31 / 445

Aug 26, 2016 #3

Hi Hikuma.
These below are my corrections for your writing.

The chart presents the percentage of ~~integration~~ ( Where are your paraphrases?) problems ~~of society living overseas~~ FACED BY IMMIGRANTS STAYING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. ~~In general, all age groups have problem [...] much higher than the others.~~ OVERALL, IT CAN BE SEEN THAT ALL MATTERS ARE THE MOST DIFFICULT TACKLED BY THE GROUP AGED 35-54 YEARS. BASED ON LEVELS OF DIFFICULTY, MEANWHILE, DETERMINING A CONVENIENT SCHOOL FOR CHILDREN IS THE LOWEST LEVEL.

(what is different between 'In general and Overall? You make readers confused due to your adverb. You only choose one for overview.)

... the young people is A lack of finance, a difficulty experienced by ROUGHLY 34 percent of the ...
However, not more than 10 percent IN this group find A hard OBSTACLE in obtaining school ...

It was the highest percentage for all OF three problems.
The percentage of maintainING the body healthy was ...
The last problem for this age found schoolS for their children.

Note:
Please, review all comments previously. You have fallen the same mistakes. Meet the prompt of the writing task 1. Make you sure that you have passed the essential elements in the writing. Pay attention to PARAPHRASE and COMPARISONS. You cannot get the score more than 5 if you do not call both. You are supposed to priority to comparing among 3 groups. On the other hand, place the proper words to describe what you mind.

Please, deal with my suggestions.
Good Luck.

ayu sasmita08 5 / 6

Aug 26, 2016 #4

hai tiranni..
i have some correction to you, i hope it can improve your writing skill

- The chart presents the percentage ( that word is so common, you should write another word to make your band score higher in IELTS test )
- ... groups have a problem in taking ... ( please pay more attention to the article of words)
- ... highest percentage ~~for~~of all-three ...
- ... The last problem ~~for~~of this age ... ( concern to your proposition )
- ... The percentage of maintaining the body ...
- ... is not a problem anymore for this group.