Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2


The production of energy from coal in Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and France


amrillahmk 29 / 47 6  
Oct 25, 2016   #1
The graph gives information about the percentage of energy produced from coal in four countries, including Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and France, over 15-year period. The main fact that stands out is that the production of energy from coal in all countries experienced a decrease over the period shown.

Denmark and Germany began at fairly similar levels of 60% and 55% respectively in the proportion of energy from coal. Subsequently, both Denmark and Germany jumped sharply to under 20%, when Germany hit a low of 5%. However, there was a slight increase for Germany, in which German overtook Denmark to finish around 18%, while Denmark finished at 10%, the lowest of that year.

On the other hand, the energy from coal which was produced in Sweden and France stood under 40%, and then fell slightly to same or under 30% in 1998. Over the following three years, their proportion remained stable, which were followed by a short fall in 2004 and leveling off at this rate for the remainder of the period.



ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Oct 25, 2016   #2
Hi Amril, long time no see :D

Sorry for making you wait for quite a long time. It is nice to see you practicing in this forum again after quite a long break. However, I would like to directly come up with my feedback related to your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, the main fact that stands out.. (cohesive device can possibly improve your score)
- I think that this paragraph is still incomplete. You need to remember that you have to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

> The graph gives... (1st sentence)
> Overall, the main fact... (2nd sentence)
> Moreover,... (3rd sentence)
(you can add more general overview in this sentence, but not too detail)

2nd paragraph:
- To begin with, Denmark and Germany...
- ...both Denmark and Germany jumped sharply to underbelow 20%
- However, there was a slight increase for Germany, in which German overtook Denmark to finish around 18%, while Denmark finished at 10%, the lowest of that year. (I am not sure that "finish" is the appropriate diction to indicate that it was the last period/last year. Why don't you just mention "in the end of the year" or something similar like that?)

3rd paragraph:
- Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

> On the other hand,... (1st sentence)
> Over the following years,... (2nd sentence)
> It leveled off... (3rd sentence)


Hope this helps mate!
Practice makes perfect! :)


Home / Writing Feedback / The production of energy from coal in Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and France
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳