Are the professional athletes ideal for the young people to follow?

Hi everyone, I'm cultivating for my IELTS Academic Writing task 2, which means I have to write 250 words minimum. Your comments would be a great help for my improvement.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES MAKE GOOD ROLE MODELS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE?
SUPPORT YOUR OPINION WITH REASONS AND EXAMPLES FROM YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE OR EXPERIENCE. (270 words)

Sport is an indispensable activity for human beings around the world. They are leisure strenuousness but also an occupation for a specific group of people which called an athlete. In my opinion, I have confidence in expert sportspeople that make duty prototypes for juniors.

Proficient athletes gain an enormous observation from young people everywhere in the world. Many teenagers or even children would like to follow their favorite players. When a child plays a sport, most of them have their preferred sportsperson desire themselves to be as good as their icon. Playing sport is not all about improving health, some sports even teach us solidarity means they train ourself to work under a team and play fair. Besides, professional athletes also represent the consequence of hard work to their followers. They are great living examples for industrious practice yields success. Many of them even receive high incomes from advertisements, being models, or running their own business. Because of their reputation, they effortlessly obtain attention without paying much amount for marketing.

Nevertheless, pro-players are not always good role, especially teenage athletes. Being financially comfortable as a juvenile makes them think that they can do what they wish for since penurious days. Great earning at a young age is a double-edged sword. Some of them concentrate on doing something to upgrade their property or helping unlucky circumstances. Some only spend their money extravagantly for partying overnight or under arrest because of rebellious behaviors.

To sum up, professional athletes may become good role models for young people as long as they focus on doing meaningful, and become ideal for the young to imitate.

The essay has a point. However, the presentation is difficult for an English native speaker to understand. The words being used are oftentimes confusing to read as you seem to be over extending the sentences and paragraphs. Your lack of proper English word usage, which directly affect the scoring aspects, are lowered because of the confusing thought presentations.

This essay will definitely get a failing mark overall. You have to learn how to think in English and write in English. You cannot think in Vietnamese then translate it in your thoughts, word for word into English. It is because of this manner of thinking-writing that your essay suffers in terms of clarity and proper word usage. You should spend about an hour everyday practicing thinking and writing in English. Do not use any prompts. Just write in general.

For example, you can watch a Netflix movie in Vietnamese, without the subtitles in English. Translate the dialogue on your own, this is the thinking-writing in English part of the exercise. Then, watch the same movie, this time with subtitles on. Compare how close your translations are to the professional sub-titles. This will help you learn how to properly think and write in English. You can see your errors in translation and learn from it.

I can see your potential to write properly in English. That is because you understood the prompt and discussion requirements better than the other students here. However, you still made a mistake in the discussion presentation as this is a single opinion essay, which you discussed as a comparative essay. That is not the main problem at this point. You can forget those errors until you learn to seamlessly think in English and write in English. That is the priority for now. The clarity of your writing is the most important thing at the moment.