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IELTS :Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people


latkhan 4 / 9 3  
Aug 12, 2014   #1
Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don't.
Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.


The role sports stars plays in today's society have raised many doubts. Some people believe it is beneficial for a young individual to follow their national heroes yet others assert that it could harm youth in many ways. This essay will discuss both views before stating my opinion.

Perhaps, the major argument that is made in favor of idealizing a sport player is related to patriotism. Indeed, watching their favorite super stars preforming for their country usually instills the sense of pride. For example, when a player represents and wins for their nation it makes the whole young generation proud and increases their love and support for the country. A further point is that, following a sports player encourages a young person to adopt a healthy and disciplined lifestyle, as players often require maintaining a strict discipline to perform for their people. Thus, it clearly shows that sport athletes can have a great influence on young adults.

However, while they have positive influence on youth, there are also potential dangers following these so called national heroes. With the fame and money some player's insatiable greed for wealth also grows. For example, recently, many cricket stars were found guilty in match fixing cases. Incidents like this could seriously affect young individual's personality. In addition to that, young children are not mature enough to distinguish reality and fiction, especially when they cannot afford a lavish lifestyle as their role models leads them to the feeling of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. As a result, imitating national heroes can negatively influence young people.

In conclusion, I believe, sports celebrities plays a vital role in inspiring young generation, Although at times they can negatively influence youth yet an overwhelming majority of young generation is sensible enough to decide what is right for them.

mvettri 6 / 10 11  
Aug 12, 2014   #2
I definitely have to appreciate the way you have written this essay and I can see the difference between a average essay and your essay. However, I see some basic mistakes in your essay, which I think you need to improve upon. Remember, basic mistakes pull down your band easily.

Some people believe it is beneficial for a young individuals to

their national heroes, yet others assert that

Perhaps, the major argument that
I dont think major is the best word, could be something like significant argument, the most convincing argument, something like that...

instills the sense of pride
instills the or a ? please check

player encourages a young person to adopt a healthy
encourages the younger generation

With the fame and money, some player's insatiable

With the fame and money some player's insatiable greed for wealth also grows. For example, recently, many cricket stars were found guilty in match fixing cases. Incidents like this could seriously affect young individual's personality

This should be more developed I think. How is it affecting the personality ? It is not written explicitly.
Incidents like these could potentially change youngster's attitude towards money and induce to earn money in illegal ways.

In addition to that, young children
We are talking about young people, not young children, please check the question sentence

cannot afford a lavish lifestyle as their role models leads them to the feeling of inadequacy
Some serious mistakes here,
cannot afford lavish lifestyle, like their role models, this creates disappointment and dissatisfaction.

In conclusion, I believe, sports celebrities plays a vital role in inspiring young generation, Although at times they can negatively influence youth yet an overwhelming majority of young generation is sensible enough to decide what is right for them.

This sentence is too long and only one sentence. I think it can be broken down to two good sentences.
In conclusion, although at times sports stars can negatively influence youth, yet an overwhelming majority of young generation is sensible enough to decide what is right for them. I firmly believe sports celebrities plays a vital role in inspiring young generation and help them to keep fit.
OP latkhan 4 / 9 3  
Aug 12, 2014   #3
Thanks for your kind words, I truly appreciate your time and effort for helping me and I must say, I have learn a lot from your corrections. Please keep up the good work.

Thanks again.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Aug 12, 2014   #4
The role sports stars plays in today's society have raised many doubts.

... Well, your essay needs a more effective start. Write a more interesting idea that has a better relevance to your topic. Also, your topic is specifically focused on professional athletes who are a small subset of sports stars. I think you should stay aligned with your essay topic more. It is important to impress your reader as you begin your essay :)

This is what I suggest;
Professional athletes are an inspiration to many young people.

However, while they have positive influence on youth, there are also potential dangers following these so called national heroes.

Well, professional athletes do not always have to be national heroes. A professional athlete is not necessarily be a guy who has won Olympic medals. He can be a guy who runs for a small sports club. You write well, but keep your writing more aligned with the prompt.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Aug 20, 2014   #5
this sentence is too long, it will seem better if you make it as two sentences,


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