The Profit from Losing Money

Hi everyone. I wrote a common app essay and I would really appriciate it if someone took a look at it. Please do not go over any grammar, punctuation rules. I really need feedback on FLOW, CONTENT, TOPIC, AND IDEA of the essay. I just need to know if the topic is good, if the essay grabs attention, and if this essay would work, meaning is this the type of college essay that college admissions officers are looking for. Someone please read it and just tell me if I can get into a good school with this essay.

Thank you so much in advance!!!

The Big Profit

Near the edge of my desk sits a small red empty pouch. It is the first thing that greets me in the morning and when I come home from school. It is free from any physical belongings of mine but within the small pouch sits my "profit" from the NJ Flea Market Fair.

I always wanted to earn money by myself without the support of my parents. One day when a flier came in the mail, I knew it was meant for me. The flier read- NJ Flea Market Fair: Sell your items and earn money. No admission needed!

I immediately started to go through items I had for years. I untangled jewelry, washed clothing, and scrubbed old appliances, packing the items in boxes.

The day of the fair I woke up early to set up my stand. Sweat dripped down from the side of my forehead. "Maybe I should pass," I thought. But I had tagged prices and polished items; I could not give up now.

At around 9:00 AM, customers started to pour down the streets of the flea market. I felt my heart thumping with a hint of anticipation as the customers walked past my stand. Before I could sit down in a chair and relax, my first customer approached!

She was a middle-aged lady who bought more items than I expected. As she told me the items she wanted, I packed them neatly in plastic bags I had saved from Wal-Mart. So, as customers came and went by on that hot summer day, I stood behind my stand, recounting the money in my red pouch after every purchase. My pouch was filled with money.

As the fair approached to an end, a dark haired lady, who was the supervisor of the fair, came towards me. "She's going to look at my items," I thought but I suddenly froze at her words: "Can you please pay for the stand fee?"

There was a stand fee? My mouth moved to say something but I couldn't find the right words. I didn't know what to think. My efforts from the morning under the humid weather flashed in front of my eyes. I suddenly felt empty inside, as I handed the supervisor the pricey stand fee.

For a couple of minutes, I stood there blankly, my eyes unfocused. I watched other people slowly gather their items, making their way home. Then from far away, I saw the small boy walking with his mom with my old collection of marbles. I could still see the excitement in his eyes. I then remembered the lady who had found the comfort from my red sweater, the teenage girl who adored my old pair of heels and the conversation I had with the grandpa who was sent with two picture frames for his grand-daughter. Ironically, as I looked at my empty pouch, I felt like it was more full than before. Though I had endured the hot summer day and had given up days to sort through my items, I couldn't help but break into a smile.

So, the empty small pouch sits on my desk to remind me of my big profit and to look at situations from a different angle. It sits there to remind me that the conversations, smiles, and efforts from that day will forever last with me, unlike the money in my pouch. I keep it physically empty to fill it with my own happiness. I am happy that I was not aware of the stand fee that day. Otherwise, how else would I have made such a big profit?

Mualla, I guess the first question I have to ask you is, which common prompt in particular are you writing this for? I believe that there are three common app questions this essay could respond to. One is the background essay, the second, is the incident or time when you experienced failure, and the final one, is the transition from childhood to adulthood. This essay is a good draft that you can actually adjust to fit any of the three aforementioned essays. The essay is quite interesting and engaging. However, I would not consider it a completed essay at this point. There are openings for improvement within the content, based upon the prompt that you will be responding to.

Will it catch the eye of the reviewer? Yes, with some more editing to make it better suit the prompt you will be using the essay for. Will it work for your application? I believe it will. No two essays are alike and we never can tell what information will make the reviewer interested in your writing. The best thing to do is to ensure that the essay meets the prompt requirements of the common app. That way, you may hook the reviewer into reading the full essay.

@Holt
Hi. I really appreciate your response. I was thinking about doing failure/sucess prompt. What do you think? And yes I agree I still need to work on my essay. I am going to review it with a good writer and enhance the phrases.

Do you think this essay could get into a good college? Do you think that idea is good? Could you tell me the parts I need to improve on?

Do you think the message that I am giving to the reader is good?

Could you please give me more feedback on this essay as soon as posssible. I know you are busy but it would really help me beacuse I have an application due in a week.

Like I said earlier, I am not worried about grammar at this point.

The essay may sound simple, and I am trying to improve it to make better. I am applying to top 20-30 schools so do you think the essay would work for those schools?

Thank You in advance

Mualla, all of the essays that are written by students are done so with the intention of the essay aiding them in getting into a good college. The thing is, nobody really knows when an essay contains sufficient information for the reviewer to consider you a serious contender for a slot in the student roster. You see, the essay is not the only basis for your admission to the university. The essays only work as a preliminary interview to help the reviewer and admissions committee get to know you as a potential student. Your transcript of records and other documents which you will be submitting along with the essay will also be considered in your application process. So don't rest your laurels on creating the perfect essay. There is no such thing. Luck also has something to do with getting into the college of your choice.

Like I previously mentioned, the idea behind the essay is good. My opinion, again, is that you should consider it for use either as a background essay or for the failure prompt. If it were up to me, I would use the essay for the failure prompt because all of the elements regarding learning a lesson from a failure you experienced in life are all there. This will be a very strong essay to present based upon that prompt.

As for what you can do to improve the essay, I guess you could improve upon the portion that discusses how you always wanted to earn money instead of taking your parents money. What happened to you could be turned even more bittersweet if you can explain why you felt compelled to earn your own money even though your parents would be happy to just give you what you need.

The message that you are trying to relay to the reader can be considered good because your essay deals with the way that you developed an inspirational mindset based upon what happened to you that day at the fair. It is something that tells the reviewer that you know how to learn from your mistakes and that you will always find a positive aspect to believe in even when you are in a position that is less than ideal for you.

As to whether this essay will work for the top 20-30 schools, you will never know if the essay will work towards the benefit of your application unless you actually submit it for consideration. I can't really say that the will or won't work for those schools due to the varying criteria that they have for applicant student consideration. Just submit the essay and see where it takes you. I won't worry about it though. Your essay is off to a good start and delivers an interesting and educational topic to the reader.

I hope I was able to answer all of your questions. Don't hesitate to contact me here at the forum in case you need further guidance or assistance from me. I'll be happy to help you as best as I can.

Hello, let me give my correction for you

in the morning and when I come home from school this sentence no need connector "and" because double connector. the other connector is "when"

..., I knew that it was meant if you no add connector, this sentence contains two verbs, there are "knew and was"

packed them neatly in plastic bags that I had saved ... you must add the connector to connect two sentences

... sent with two picturesplural noun

thank you

Mualla, I can't help but smile as I read your essay. It is a far improved version of the draft that we had been working on. There is a more personal feel to the writing. Your sense of reflection has allowed the reader an inside look into the emotions that you felt that day. The lesson that you learned, while others would deem a failure, definitely comes across as a successful activity in your part. How else can we quantify the lessons that you learned and the experiences that helped you to realize that there was a clear earning on your part. Sure it was not monetary in value. It has a far deeper and personal value than any amount of cash in the world. You learned about getting your joy from helping others or sharing the joy you once had with them through the ownership of your previously "loved" items. Good work. The essay really comes across as an easy read and leaves the reader feeling good after completely reading about your "misadventures" at the flea market. For an application essay, I believe the reviewer will see the other side of you, the side that sees a glass half full rather than half empty and that is a trait that will definitely help you succeed during your college life.

Hi Mualla, I believe this is the first time that I'm going to review your essay and I hope you will find this website to be helpful as well as valuable to your writing projects. Here at EF, we do strive to to keep and provide you with the most accurate feedback and comprehensive criticism that will hopefully enhance and strengthen your writing projects.

From the physical attributes of the essay, I must say you need to merge the small or short paragraphs of the essay, this will allow you to showcase a more clean cut project and not only that, it will also create that formality and uniformity of the essay. This means you are able to showcase a larger perspective on where to focus which is going to be on the idea of the essay and not the way the essay is presented.

Overall, it is a well written essay and you should be able to revise the manageable modifications of the essay and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

@Holt
Hi. Holt I have to thank you for all your comments because I was able to revise my second draft(which turned out really good) by using what you said about my essay. They were a very helpful, especially in writing my second draft. :)

So, I sent my essay to an essay writing service. They listed a couple of points on where i should improve my essay.

I was wondering, when you have a chance, could you please see if the comments from the essay writing service are good or accurate? Because before I received these comments, I thought my essay was in pretty good shape. I think maybe the essay still has room for improvement but I am not sure.

According to these comments, what do you think I should do to improve my essay?

For each of the comments from the writing service I briefly included what I thought about each comment.
1) For theshow dont tell part I think I might try to show the reader more about how I learned through this lesson and include a couple of instances of my life where this experience affected me.

2) For the learning from the experienceI thought that my lesson was pretty clear, but the writing service says that I can focus more on this. My lesson was "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in everyday. I believe that there is always a positive aspect to believe in even when in a position that is less than ideal." What do you think about this comment?

3) For the focus on you how can i focus more on myself? Could you give me suggestions about this?
4) I think they are right about thestrong message. I might try to convey my message more powerfully. What do you think?
5) For themessage driven content, do you think I should take out parts of my essay? I read it a lot of times and I thought that there was not anything extra in the essay. Is my message not so clear? Do you feel that I should change my essay according to these comments?

These are the comments from the essay writing service:
As requested, I am focusing my comments and suggestions around the idea, content, and flow of your essay. First off, the story you have presented is very strong in both its uniqueness and personal importance to you. There is clearly a strong message about the satisfaction you gain from making people happy that you deliver through the essay. That being said, there are several things I would want to see change in order to improve the flow and direction of the essay as a whole:

1) Show, don't tell - show how you've changed, instead of announcing it explicitly. For example, don't say things like "I could accept failing to earn money because embracing the conversations, smiles, and efforts from that day made up for it.". Instead, SHOW the reader how you learned this lesson through changes in your behavior or thought processes compared to before, through saying things like "Though before I would have done X, I now found myself doing Y".

2) Learning from the experience - you can definitely spend more words detailing how exactly you learned from the experience. The majority of your essay describes the story itself (which I'll address below), in addition to some reflection on what exactly your thoughts on the experience as a whole were. However, I don't really know exactly how or what you learned, which is what the prompt asks for

3) Focus on you. This is an essay about you, and even though your story is important, you should focus on yourself more! While the story about your experience at the flea market is powerful, much of it takes words away that could be used to focus on yourself and your eventual growth. This is ultimately what admissions officers want to read about more than any experience or anecdote.

4) Strong Message. You should lay out a message at the beginning of your essay about both the aspects of your personality that changed through a lesson, as well as the anecdote you'll show it with. Then, from there, present your story, only including portions that are relevant to your message and showing your message through your story. Finally, summarize the points you are trying to make about yourself as an example of the results your experiences had on you.

5) Message driven content. You have quite a few anecdotal and descriptive details in your essay that, while very relevant to you and the story you're telling, don't necessarily help support the message you're trying to convey about yourself. I would suggest cutting out pieces of story/descriptive details so that aren't entirely relevant to the story you are trying to tell here. You can choose to leave out some/all of them, and a good way to do so is to only use stories and details that directly support the focus of your essay's message.

Holt, your ideas and suggestions are very important to me. I am open to any suggestion you have to make for my essay. Thanks so much in advance.

Mualla, here is the thing about writing services. They always try to change your voice to their voice. That means, they tell you what they want to see in the essay because that is how they would have written it. I never alter the voice of the student in the essay for a number of reasons.

My first reason, is that the essay should always reflect your personality. That includes how you think, how you talk, and how you express yourself. This common app prompt is a preliminary interview that will allow you to show the reviewer the way you think, act, and speak to a certain degree. Being a preliminary interview, the essay and its voice, should accurately represent you. Therefore, the way you wrote the essay is how you sound and represent yourself and should therefore not be altered to suit the idea of the writing service critic.

My second reason is with regards to why I do not wish to alter much of what you wrote. While I do agree that you can shorten the presentation leading up to the flea market, your narrative might suffer without the backstory. Now, if you can figure out how to create a more personal relationship between why you decided to join the flea market then the backstory can be adjusted. Right now, it sounds like you just wanted to clean out your closet, which is not a bad reason to have for joining a flea market. Maybe, if you can explain why you wanted to join the market, like say, wishing to donate the money to charity or something, then the disappointment that you felt when you had to pay the stand fee will have more of an impact.

Finally, I will leave you with a word of advice. As I always tell the students here, we can help you develop the essay and we can help you make it as perfect as it can be, in your eyes. We cannot and should never, dictate the content of your essay. If you are happy and confident in the way you represent yourself and your story in the current form of the essay, then that is the version that you should use. That is the personality and character you are comfortable showing to the reviewer and nobody should alter that self representation for any reason. Be true to who you are on paper.

Let me make one thing clear, there is no right or wrong way to write an essay. There is no perfect common app essay either. Nobody really knows what kind of writing style will catch the eye of the reviewer. The only thing that you can be sure of, is that your first paragraph needs to be so interesting, the reviewer will find himself compelled to finish reading your essay. The reason he will consider your application all depends upon him. Reviewers do not look for uniform information in an essay and anybody who says there is a secret formula to getting the attention of the reviewer through the essay is wrong. The essay is not the only application requirement being considered. There are other pertinent documents that will be assessed along with your essays. Therefore, you should keep your voice in the essay and present it in the best way you know how.

If you want me to help you edit the content of the essay because that is what you want to do, then I will help you do that. You tell me which parts you feel are weak and we will work on developing it. You can't rely of the writing service to properly represent you because they have no idea regarding the kind of personality that you want to have shine through in the prompt. The final content and message of the essay is yours to choose. Our job, is just to guide you towards the image you want to project in this written interview.

@Holt
Holt I want to thank you for every response you have given me so far. And I COMPLETELY agree about how the writing services change your voice in the essay. So far, I have shown my essay to more than seven or eight people and no one(I'm not exaggerating) has given the feedback you have given me. Thanks. I would really appreciate it if you could look at my new version(hopefully final) of my essay. I have more reflections about myself toward the end of the essay and added and removed a couple parts. Please feel free to give me any suggestions. The harsher the better! Thanks in advance.

True Profit

A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now ...

@Holt
Please ignore my previous post, my computer started to glitch and it posted before I clicked submit.
So...about my essay.
Holt I want to thank you for every response you have given me so far. And I COMPLETELY agree about how the writing services change your voice in the essay. So far, I have shown my essay to more than seven or eight people and no one(I'm not exaggerating) has given the feedback you have given me. Thanks. I would really appreciate it if you could look at my new version(hopefully final) of my essay. I have more reflections about myself toward the end of the essay and added and removed a couple parts. If possible could you go over it and tell me if there is any weak parts to it? Because I went through the essay several times and I do not know if this is a good final draft. Is there room for improvement?

One of my teachers told me that I needed to reflect more on how I would use this lesson in the future and apply it to my future goals.

This is exactly what she said, "ADD DEPTH: The more I reflected on my big flea market adventure, I realized that this wasn't the first time I had discovered hidden joy and lessons in unexpected places. GO INTO other examples here (for a paragraph) Also, you could reflect on how you learned to see the good, and to add more depth, reflect and share WHY IT MATTERS, not only to you and others, but in the world." What do you think about this?

Holt, Thanks for everything.

Mualla, while I understand why your teacher wants you add depth, there is really no reason to add other examples to the essay. The focus of the prompt is on a singular activity and the lessons you learned from it. Therefore, introducing a new activity would introduce a new series of lessons and lengthened your essay unnecessarily. For the depth portion, you can add information as to why you have always wanted to earn money. Maybe you felt your parents weren't giving you enough of an allowance? Or there was an item yo wished to purchase that your parents did not want to buy for you or they encouraged you to buy with money you earned so you would learn the value of money. Either of those reasons would add a more personal angle to the reason behind your joining the fair. If you just remove the reference to being an athlete, but still keep the essence of how you approach tough situations (referring back to the unexpected stand fee), then the essay will be more informative and reflective in presentation.

Holt thanks for the response! I will change up the essay and add the "why I wanted to earn money" part and get back to you as soon as possible. And yes, I think the athlete part maybe added unneccesary unformation to the essay. When I am finished, I'll send it over. Thank you.

@Holt
Holt I was working on my supplements which is why I could not get this common app essay back to you. Do you have time to look at it please?

The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later success. Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

Hi Mualla, before I get started on commenting about the revised essay, I would just like to say "Thank You". I received the email that you sent to me via the admin of the forum. It was heart warming to read such appreciation for the work that I do for the students here at the forum. It inspires me to do even better in guiding all of you towards the fulfillment of your college dreams.

Now, for the added information in the essay. The information about the Polaroid camera is good but it lacks a definitive reason for you wanting to pursue the sales at the flea market. The addition of a sentence or two about your parents prodding you to get a job in order to earn money to buy the camera yourself should better explain why you would pursue the enticing advertisement for the flea market at that point. Say something about not knowing what kind of job you could get since you were just a high school student, or something of the sort. So the flyer came in the mail at just the right time.

By the way, are we over the word count yet? Let me know if we are so that we can work on shortening the essay into its final form with the next version. Thanks.

Hi Holt,

As always, I am very thankful to you for all your feedback and contribution my college application process -:)

For the reason part: Do you think I should put it in a more general and broad purpose like the ones below? After your comment, I now think that, yes, just wanting a camera would be a simple and not that much significant reason to connect me properly to the points at the very end. Do you think any of these would fit better?

1-Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to practice independence and self-reliance, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

2-Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to contribute to family expenses, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

3-Having always wanted to earn my own money to contribute to family expenses, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

Mualla, number 2 has potential. You will just have to expand the explanation so that the reviewer will know the exact reason why you had a need, desire, or inclination to help with your family expenses. If you opt to follow this line of reasoning, you will have to adjust all of the parts of the essay that relate to the earnings you made that day. You will have to deliver a sense of disappointment at having to pay the stand fee because you needed to contribute the money to the family. Then you will have to adjust the explanation about the relevance of the empty pouch as well. Sounds like too much work right? Don't feel bad about the adjustments to the content, the essay will carry more weight and deliver an idea regarding your character in the end. By the way, your reason 2 and 3 are so similar that they could have been the same explanation in mere paraphrased form. If you can think of another reason for number 3, I am open to considering it.

Thank you Holt.

So do you mean If I expand the "reason" part only, then I don't need to adjust/change the other parts? OR, if I expand the the "reason" part then I have to adjust all others accordingly?

Not to make it lengthy and not to loose the focus, (becasue my dad is the only person working in a 5-people family ), what do you think if I keep the "reason" as short as this:

"Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to contribute to my family which has always been on a single income, I seized this opportunity."

Wow! That is an excellent way of explaining your desire to earn money in the most succinct manner. Definitely go with that explanation. It ties everything in the essay together. However, you will still need to make adjustments to the later part of your essay that deals with the way you felt when the stand fee was finally charged in relation to the money you had hoped to contribute to the family expenses that month or for some other specific financial purpose related to family upkeep. Keep the maximum word count in mind as you make the adjustments to the content. I don't think yo will need to change the essay drastically. Just add maybe a sentence or two to the portion that narrates the way the fee was collected and how you felt. Towards the conclusion of the essay, you should also say something about whether you were able to contribute anything at all to the family coffers that month and, what your parents said about your first sojourn in earning money.

Thank you Holt.

What do you think for part adding the sentence: "My contribution was to the larger family where my family lives in."

So I will change

Although I failed to earn money that day, I gained something much more valuable: the excitement in the small boy's eyes to the smile from the old man. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

with

From the excitement in the small boy's eyes to the smile from the old man, my contribution was to the larger family where my family lives in. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

I do not think that will work too well. If you say it that way, you will have to explain how your family lives with an extended family, have to pay your family share of expenses, etc. It would be best to just keep it simple and tell the reviewer that your father is the single income earner in your family so sometimes, your finances take a hit and you often feel like you want to help out but did not have any way of doing so. Then the flea market opportunity came along and allowed you a chance to help out. Don't make the essay too informative. Just present the basic facts. The last thing you want to do is go over the word limit and then have to review and edit the essay for content all over again. Your first presentation was fine. The method of adjusting the other parts of the essay have already been indicated within this post of mine.

Thank you Holt.

Actually, by saying the "larger family" I meant "the Community" not an extended family. Meaning, I am a member of my family, my community and my country. I couldn't contribute to my family but did to my community=larger family.

What if I change it like this: "Although I did not bring home money that day, I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community." What do you suggest for this sentence?

Yes. I think that will work just fine with the previous portions of the essay because you will have justified the loss of income as being offset by the growth of your relationship with the community. It turns the whole event into a life changing experience instead of a losing bid to make money for yourself. You basically made more in terms something that money cannot buy and that is the fact that you got to know your community and you were able to contribute to the joy and happiness of the members of the community that day. When you say it that way, as in, it is self-explanatory, you no longer need to adjust any other portions of your essay. So I believe that this essay is now ready for you to use. I mean, that is if you feel that you have done the best that you can to make the essay shine as I believe that you have done.

@Holt

Good Morning Holt. Thank you for all your review and feedback.

I wrapped the last paragraph like below adding a pearl-analogy.

Could you please take a look at it to see if everything fits?

So, my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. As a take away from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal, I veer myself toward a positive attitude and strive for the best outcome. Internalizing this principle drove me to seek the same positivity in other areas of my life. Last year, when my volleyball team lost eight games in a row, I was not demotivated because I began to value my progress over time more than just winning or losing. Likewise, when I was working as a waiter at Ant Cafe, I approached tough situations, like frustrated customers, with resilience and treated problems as a learning process. I see failures as irritants in life just like pearls form in an oyster because of an irritation; no irritant, no pearl. Those "irritants" have positive opportunities hidden in them that trigger my inner-self energy. I am now able to look at things from a different perspective to see new possibilities. Although I was not able to contribute to my family expenses, I contributed to a larger family: my community. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

And a good morning to you too Mualla. I hope you are having a good day. The pearl statement is fine. What I don't understand, is why you felt the need to introduce new scenarios into the essay that will make the reviewer change his concentration from the story that you told, which is highly relevant to the closing statement that you are making, to the addendums in the story. There is actually no need for you to further expound upon the information that you have already presented. The essay is complete as it is. You just needed to close it on a strong note. So going directly to the pearl discussion would have sufficed. There would not have been any prompt deviation and the interest of the reviewer would have remained focused on the lesson behind the story. If you still can, please delete the references to the Ant Cafe, your volleyball team and games, and the frustration of clients. Keep only the following portions to close your essay with:

So, my empty pouch ... I see failures as irritants in life just like pearls form in an oyster because of an irritation; no irritant, no pearl...I have made a big profit?

Try it for yourself. I bet you will see how the essay will manage to become stronger and close on the most powerful note that it can.

@Holt

Hi Holt,

Yes now I just read the essay without those references, and the essay definitely sounded much better! Just as a side note, I looked back at our previous conversations, I think it was post 13, that you suggested that I remove the reference of being an athlete, but still keep the part about how I approach tough situations (referring back to the unexpected stand fee). Do you suggest I do it that way or do you think that this version(on the bottom) is better? My intention of putting such situations into the essay was to show the reader that I was able to apply what I learned to everyday situations and to answer this part of the prompt: "How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?" I can for sure see that your suggestions make the essay better but I wanted to ask you once more just to be sure.

So, my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. As a take away from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal I veer myself toward a positive attitude and strive for the best outcome. Just as pearls form in oysters because of irritations, so now I notice positive opportunities that might potentially be hidden in failures. I learned to look at situations from a different perspective. Although I failed to contribute to my family expenses that day, I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

Mualla, you can go ahead and use this version of the closing statement if you wish to. It is just as good as the last one, with the removed reference to athletics. Wait. scratch that. Use this version in totality instead. It has a smoother flow and more relevant "How did it affect you?" response.

Let me clarify something for you at this point. With regards to the "How did it affect you?" portion of the essay, does not refer back to instances that are not connected with the current discussion. Focus on the event that happened, which is the fair and what you learned from the climax (the stand fee), and how that lesson has affected your current attitude, outlook, and ability to deal with the difficulties and unexpectedness of everyday life. So the athletics part really doesn't factor in to the essay in a fluid, unforced, attention deviating manner.

Hello Holt,

I just wrapped up my essay and I was just going to ask if you could take a look at this hopefully final version. What do you think of it? Do you think I should change any grammar, word choices, or anything of the sort? Maybe any content error?

TRUE PROFIT

A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now and then, I glance in its direction and smile. Ironically, its emptiness fulfills me. The pouch inspires me to see the positive in every aspect of my life, starting with my experience at a flea market fair.

On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my family expenses ...

Mualla, in the second paragraph, you need to make reference to your father being the single income earner of the family before your make reference to how your family stretches a dollar and wishing to contribute to your sister's medical treatment. The way that paragraph sounds at the moment, without that reference, it seems like your family is so destitute that the fair was the only way that an income for the needs of the family could be made. You need to correct that misconception. Once you add the information about your father, the essay will be all set for you to use, even without my approval. Everything else in the essay is all set and ready to go. Best of luck with your application. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

You too Holt!

Dd you mean like this? Please don't repeat almost the same text in more than one place.

I just want to know that the essay is complete from you because I respect your suggestions the most.

On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my single-income family because I saw how far a dollar went toward bare essentials as well as my sister's scoliosis therapy costs. So, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

Exactly. do you see how the addition of the term "single-income family" helped to explain more about the compelling reasons behind your desire to join the flea market? Doesn't it help to add to the objective and importance of what you tried to do? I think that it also added to the drama that was imparted to the reader when you were told about the stand fee. If you don't mind, I would like to suggest that you bring the sense of how you felt upon paying the stand fee into the paragraph that you wrote about it. Add something about how your dreams of helping with the finances were immediately dashed when you saw how much was left of your earnings after paying the fee. This will add some drama to the statement and make the realization of the joy that you brought others more marked because of the almost extreme loss on your part. The story then comes full circle and can be logically ended in the manner that you have developed. Sorry about the additional work. Let me know if it will still work with the word limit or not. If it works, then don't tell me anymore. Just use the essay. If you have a problem with the word count, I'll help you out.

You are absolutely right Holt, thank you. I don't know how I removed that important detail. For the "adding little drama" part, do you think changing this:

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. As I handed over the hefty payment, I felt empty, like I had finished a movie with an abrupt ending. All of my earnings were gone.

with this would fit?

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. As I handed over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I felt empty, like finishing a movie with an abrupt ending.

And also:
Do you think removing "All of my earnings were gone" is a good idea? My concern is the reader might not know the fee almost was as much as the earnings. Do you think it's clearly understood from the context? Or should I put it back?

Mualla, use the second version. The one that you highlighted in the presentation the above thread. But after the realization that there was a stand fee and you handed over the payment, insert the dialogue about all your earning being gone. That is, you have to place it before the comment about buying the brace for your sister and the movie with the abrupt ending. I think the addition of the sentence in that particular position will heighten the sense of realization in the essay. Also, making a clear reference to the stand fee being almost as much as your earnings will help to support the claim that you could no longer afford to help buy the brace for your sister, so make sure the include that clarification as well. I think we just need one more read through before the essay becomes ready to submit. Good job on this essay. You have come a very long way since we first started working on it.

Thank you very much Holt.

What about this:

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence seeing that my earnings were barely enough for the fee. As I handed over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I felt empty, like finishing a movie with an abrupt ending.

And also, is the word "dream" to BIG here? If yes, do you think changing "I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed" with the one below might be better?

"I realized my hope helping to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister would not be fulfilled."

Well, I vote for the first version that you posted because the word "dream" signifies the reason as to why you joined the flea market in the first place. There was an ambition to help the family, specifically your sister who required your financial help at the time. Therefore, keeping the word in would not be too big. It would just be sufficient enough to emphasize the hope that was lost the moment that you paid for the fee. I hope that you are keeping the maximum word count in mind as you do these changes. You may lose track of the number of words and have to edit for word count all over again. Take note of it and make sure not to go over the maximum count.

Thank you, Holt. Word count is 514/650.

Here is the last version altogether:

TRUE PROFIT

A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now and then, I glance in its direction and smile. Ironically, its emptiness fulfills me. The pouch inspires me to see the positive in every aspect of my life, starting with my experience at a flea market fair.

On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my single-income family because I saw how far a dollar went toward bare essentials as well as my sister's scoliosis therapy costs. So, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.

On the day of the fair, I felt my heart thumping, tinged with a hint of anticipation as I prepared my stand. Before I knew it, my first customer approached. A lady went through my items and decided to buy one of my dresses. Receiving my first earnings, I beamed; the couple of dollars I earned felt like millions.

Inviting buyers to look at my stand, I sold item after item. My pouch was brimming with money. "Success!" I thought. As the sun began to set and the rush of buyers slowed down, a manager walked toward me. I assumed that she was going to look through my items too but instead she said, "Please pay the stand fee."

What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. Handing over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I suddenly felt empty, like I had finished a movie with an abrupt ending.

Before disappointment could fully settle in, from far away, I caught sight of the small boy walking with my old box of marbles. I could still see his excitement as he swung the box back and forth. His joy reminded me of the lady who found comfort from my red sweater, the teenage girl who adored my sneakers, and the conversation I had with the old man who was thrilled to find picture frames for his granddaughter. As I looked back at my empty pouch, I could not help but smile. Although I had failed to contribute to my family's expenses, I realized that I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community.

So my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. Just as pearls form in oysters because of irritations, so I now notice positive opportunities that might potentially be hidden in failures. As a takeaway from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal, I veer toward a positive attitude and do not let failures bring me down. Internalizing this principle drove me to look at situations from different perspectives. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?

Mualla, at this point, you need to stop adding content to your essay. It is as perfect and informative as it can be at this point. Don't try to meet the full word count. That is not the point of the essay. Keeping it short but informative helps to make the reader remember some important parts of your essay. If you present too much, sometimes irrelevant or unnecessary information just because you want to meet the word count, then you end up messing up the presentation of your essay. Don't over analyze the content of your essay. It is good to go at this point. Don't worry about anything else. The prompt topic is well responded to and represented in your essay. Be proud of the work that you did. Submit it and relax. You have done everything that you can possibly do to polish and make the essay impressive to the reviewer.

@Holt
I am so happy, Holt! Thanks for guiding me through the essay. Without you the essay would not have been this perfect. I appreciate all the help you gave me.