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The proportion of money spent on five different items in four developed countries in 2009


ryan31 65 / 96 15  
Nov 11, 2016   #1
A breakdown of the information about the proportion of money spent on five different items in four developed countries in 2009 measured by percentage is shown in the bar chart. Overall, all countries spent their household budget on housing, apart from Japan.

Turning to housing, United States was led in first position at more than a quarter, while the last was occupied by Canada at approximately two out of ten. In health care, United States also took in the top rank, whereas United Kingdom at below 5%.


Comparing the countries, it is found that the United States showed superiority proportion both housing and healthcare at 26 and 7 percent respectively, however it was occupied in the last position on clothing and food. Meanwhile, Japan predominated on food, yet was the lowest on transportation. At the same time, Canada witnessed the highest rate on clothing at 5% and transportation at roughly 20%, whereas it expensed on housing was the least.




amrillahmk 29 / 47 6  
Nov 12, 2016   #2
Overall, all countries spent their household budget on housing, apart from Japan. measured by percentage is shown in the bar chart.
This sentence is too long, it is better to divide each paragraph into three sentences. For exampale: (...) 2009 is shown in the bar chart. it is measured in percent. Overall, all countries (...) apart from Japan.

United States was led in first position at more than a quarter, be careful when using active and passive sentences

whereas United Kingdom wasat below 5%.
however it was occupied in the last position on clothing and food .however on clothing and food, America occupied in the last position
NinaJoesuf25 36 / 66 4  
Nov 12, 2016   #3
Hi Ryan,

I should argue that in overview IELTS task 1. it is better that you have two sentences instead of just one. so , here my suggestion.

Overall, all countries spent their household budget ...

Overall, it is important to bear in mind that had a considerable difference. What's more, all the figures spent their household budget on housing, apart from Japan.
andika08 81 / 80 16  
Nov 13, 2016   #4
Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections for you

... developed countries in 2009 is measured by percentage isand shown in the bar chart.
Riandi, I think you have a problem with passive voice. If you want to make a passive voice, you should put 'to be' before verb 3

Overall, you can submit some words, such as 'it can be seen that' or 'it is noticable that' all countries spent their household ...

... States was led in the first position at ...

Comparing the countries, it iswas found that the United States ...

... whereas it expensed on housing that/ which was the least.

Thanks


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