The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas

Writing IELTS Task 1- the problem people have when they go move to other countries

The proportion of the kind of problems that happen for citizens who move to overseas live based on the age is provided by the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that the secondary age people are the problematical persons. While, all of the people tend to easy to get school for their sons and daughters.

Sorting out finances is the biggest problems for middle age people . meanwhile, the elderly people tend to be easier for avoiding this problem than younger people.

Then, shorting out health care is the Highers difficult proportion of people in the age 34-35 . Even-thought, it is slightly difference to people who have age over 55 years. Then, the youth people just get over 35% this problem.

Furthermore, elder people tend to get the lowest proportion for finding school for their children of difficulty. In contrast, the middle age get higher proportion than the people in the age 34-35 years old

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Hi Pramudiana,

At first glance, I can notice that your essay has some issues related to fragmented sentences, grammatical accuracy, and punctuation problems. This can be avoided in the next practice by considering the feedback below. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The proportion of thevarious kind of problems that happen for citizens experience who move to overseas livewhile living in overseas based on the age group is provided bydepicted in the bar chartgraph.

- Overall, it can be seen that the secondary age peoplepeople in the middle age group are the problematical personsthe group that has the highest frequency of problems among two other age groups.

- WhileMeanwhile , all of the people tend to feel that it is easy to getfind the appropriate school for their sons and daughters.

2nd paragraph:
- Turning to a more detailed analysis,s orting out finances is the biggest problems for people in the middle age grouppeople .
- (mind the CAPITALIZATION. It might look simple but it is included as one of the essential marking criteria)Meanwhile , avoiding this problem is easier for the older people rather than young people.the elderly people tend to be easier for avoiding this problem than younger people

Cheers :)

Hi Pramudiana..
Welcome to Essay Forum. I am delighted to tell that you have been a right website to develop your skill. In this section, I review about your grammar of the writing. Please, meet my note and deal with them.

... kind of problems that happen HAPPENING(you should reduce it) for citizens who (...) is provided by IN the bar graph. While MEANWHILE (When you wanna harness the conjunction "WHEN", you have to remember the pattern S V, WHEN S V. There needs a comma, not a period) , all of the people tend to easy to get EASILY school for ...


(Where is the detailed information?. In the body paragraph, you have to order interesting trend and display detailed. Besides that, you keep in your mind that each good paragraph consists more than 2 sentences)


Avoid using EVEN THOUGH in the formal writing. You should use although, but you must remember the pattern--- S V Although S V or Although S V, SV)


repetition. you are supposed to harness transitive words properly.

You have made a big error because almost all data have been not explained detailed. Please, you do not fall the same mistake.

Hopefully, these can help you.
Keep Spirit
GOOD LUCK

Hello Pram!
Allow me to give you some suggestion.

1. I see you have a good conclusion, but I think it is not cover all of the graph says.
Let see the example below:
Generally, eldery people and and middle people have sorting out health as the first problem they straight to, meanwhile for young people, looking for money is the biggest problem and for the fewer, all ages choose searching schools for children become the easier one.

2. Wrong data
"Sorting out finances is the biggest problems for middle age people
Based in picture, the biggest problem of middle age is sorting out finance. It will be true if you say:
For young people, looking for money is the biggest problem they have. A problem experienced by just 34 percent. Meanwhile, society with age 35-54 choose money as the second problem although the percentage is bigger than young people which is 35 percent. Only about 23 percent people over 55 have this problem.

3. Less sentence. A paragraph should consists of 3 sentences at least.
Look at your paragraph below:
Paragraph 2 -> (2 Sentences)
Paragrapah 4 -> ( 2 sentences)

Pay attention to your punctuation.

I hope it can be useful for you.
Keep practice to make it perfect :)

hallo

i would like to concern in your introduction and overview
The proportion of the kind of problems that happen ...

here is my suggestions

Introduction:
data of three common problems for people living in foreign countries are showed in the bar graph, which is measured in proportion .

overview:
it is clear that category 35-45 mostly faces the highest level of problems in finance, healthcare, and finding school for their children while those problems are prone to decline in people aged over 55 years old.

Hi Pramudia27 , I'm trying to make some comments

1. ... the secondary age people areis the problematical persons
It is talking about group, so use verb in plural form

2. ...health care is the Highershighest difficult proportion of ...
Higher is used for comparative and for superlative use -est. In that sentence, it tells about the most high, hence, use highest

3. ... people just get overto about 35% this problem.
Maybe it is better to use 'to about'