Here is my essay. I would be very grateful if you could help me correct it
Topic:Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Public health improvement is always on the list of the most important and controversial issues, especially on present days when the quality of health are experiencing both good and bad changes. However, there are many different opinions on how to enhance the community health, while some people believe that increasing sports facilities is the best measure, others show disapproval of this as it would have little effect and other ways are required. In my point of view, both these viewpoints are true to some extents
Sports facilities, in some ways, can do wonders to the health. Firstly, by playing sports, people can maintain a good health status as muscles are practiced and blood circulation is encouraged. Secondly, the sheer pleasure of playing sports helps to release the stress of life, which is a very common problem faced by people and can cause many dangerous related diseases. In a nutshell, increasing sports facilities can provide people with a sound mind in a sound body.
However, sports encouragement is not the best ways of promoting public health, as there are many other aspects related to health that sports alone can not resolve. These are safe drinking water and foods, as well as motor-vehicle safety, control of infectious and mortal diseases. WHO has studied and conducted many policies to conquer these issues, however it is still a long way to the victory of the battle for a perfect public health. In my own perspective, the most effective measures to better the quality of health is health education, development of infectious diseases vaccinations and provision of clean water and foods for everyone.
As analysed above, for a public health of best standard, the improvement of sports facilities, alongside with other aspects like foods, water as well as vaccinations and health education must be conducted altogether.
good and bad - Good and Bad are really cheap words for a writing. Maybe use : useful and harmless.
, (: or ;) while some
faced by people - people face (it would be a grammatical error since it is better not to use passive forms
is not the best way
control of infectious(,) and mortal
, (;) however(,)
Just a tip : when taking exams such TOEFL and IELTS, when you are asked a question, clearly pick one side and elaborate on it; it is not acceptable to accede with both views.
especially on present days when the quality of health are experiencing both good and bad changes
how about using positive and negative changes instead of good and bad. And what are the good changes? what are the bad changes?
Secondly, the sheer pleasure of playing sports helps to release the stress of life, which is a very common problem faced by people and can cause many dangerous related diseases
I think it would be better to elaborate a little bit and give specific examples.
These are safe drinking water and foods, as well as motor-vehicle safety, control of infectious and mortal diseases.
I think motor-vehicle safety is irrelevant to public health.
I think the introduction part is too long, and the second main paragraph is not well organized.I suggest you should focus on one or two other measures such as government ,public awareness, evironment etc.
thanks for all your useful help!!!
William731: I think that motor-vehicle is relevant as public health is concerned with the aspects, according to WHO:
Vaccination and control of infectious diseases
Safer and healthier foods
Safe drinking water
Healthier mothers and babies and access to family planning
Decline in deaths from coronary heart disease and stroke
Recognition of tobacco use as a health hazard.
I think you should not put your opinion in body paragraphs it is better to write it in conclusion paragraph. " In my own perspective, the most effective measures to better the quality of health is health education, development of infectious diseases vaccinations and provision of clean water and foods for everyone."