My essay is about:
''It is more important to spend public money promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree of disagree?''
Can you give me a band score for this essay? I will do the real test on 21st December, i'm still so worried about my writing skill !!
Thanks in advance!
raising people awareness for a healthy lifestyle
Some people believe that the government budget should be spent more on building a healthy lifestyle for illness prevention than the treatment for the disease from which people are suffered. Personally, I completely agree with this point of view for the following reasons.
First of all, spending money on ailment prevention is more cost-effective than that on treatment. Preventing is always easier than treating because it takes less time, effort and money. For example, one person can avoid diabetes which results from excessive digesting high-calorie foods by the simplest way - following a balanced diet. The cost of a healthy meal is obviously incomparable to the expense of a medical treatment.
Secondly, promoting a healthy lifestyle can bring long-term benefits for both the government and its residents. While a treatment can only target a specific health problem, having a healthy lifestyle can help people prevent a variety of ailments. For instance, frequent exercise not only strengthens the immune system but also reduces the risk of obesity and other related diseases.
That is not to say that government should not spend any money on illness treatment. It, of course, is the moral principle and our responsibility to cure the patient and this should be invested adequately. However, I believe that in order to get the highest result from the money spent, it is more beneficial to give priority to illness prevention.
In conclusion, I think the government can benefit more from allocating a large part of the medical fund to raising people awareness for a healthy lifestyle, rather than illness treatment.
Your writing style is clear and well-arranged. However, I would like to point out a few things that need improvement:
- The opening paragraph seems a little bit simple.
- The topic sentence in paragraph 3 have not provided the reasons/points to support you idea that "it is beneficial for the government"
- The sentence structures can be improved to impress your grade-giver.
In short, I think you will get 5.5-6.0
despite the mistakes mentioned above, here is another one:
The body paragraph 2 failed to support your statement of 'having long-term benefits'. preventing various ailments has nothing to do with 'long-term benefits'.