ESSAYS ABOUT PUBLIC MUSEUMS AND ART GALLERIES (are they still needed?)

Some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works of art by using a computer.

Do you agree or disagree?

Write at least 250 words (Please help me evaluate this essay's mark in Ielts. Thanks a ton )

MY ESSAY:
These days, some people would argue that it is no longer necessary for public museums and art galleries to be opened because of the fact that historical relics and artistic masterpieces can be appreciated with a computer. Regarding this, I personally disagree with this idea totally, as now will be discussed in this essay.

To begin with, I support the idea that public museums and art galleries had better be opened for the purpose of protecting historical objects and art works from being spoiled. It is undeniable that these objects relating to the history and art are priceless and need conserving. For instance, many museums and art galleries have recently been erected to preserve valuable art and historical works such as well-known pictures like Mona Lisa, the Screaming .... Besides, public museums and art galleries are also destinations that attract tons of tourists. Most people would prefer to go to these places to appreciate historical gadgets and art works rather than watching them through a computer.

On the other hand, I believe that museums and art galleries should be kept for educational purposes. Instead of teaching students about history and art through images and pictures on a computer, it would be effective for students to enjoy and watch directly historical stuff and art works in the museums and art galleries under their teachers' instruction. With doing that, students can be significantly stimulated to study about history and art in school.

In collusion, while it is argued by someone that public museums and art galleries will be unnecessary since people can see historical objects and art works by their computers, I support the opposite idea that these places should be maintained due to many advantages.

While the word choice of the writer for the prompt restatement is a bit out of context when reviewed against the original, the essence of the sentiment is still the same so the examiner will find that version acceptable enough to warrant some scoring consideration. However, the confusing writer's opinion is another story. It uses and extent and emotional response where a simple indicator was needed and it does not present any establishing reasons for the writer's opinion. Thus the writer's opinion will be scored as having missed the important thesis presentation, which will be a low score due to lack of opinion clarity.

The reasoning paragraph should have presented 2 paragraph topics that would explain the need to keep museums open in comparison to computer viewing. By opening his first statement with "To begin with" he effectively showed that he was defending his stance in the paragraph. However, when he indicated "On the other hand", he indicated that he would be contradicitng the previous statement. Yet, he produced another supporting example for his opinion. So, why the opinion was supported, the framework of the sentence was incorrect. He should not have indicated "on the other hand". The correct term to use would have been "Additionally" or "In addition to the previous statement..."

The writer shows that he does not have a good understanding of the English language. He uses the word "collusion" which means; "a secret agreement, especially for fraudulent or treacherous purposes; conspiracy". He wanted to use the word "conclusion" which refers to; " the end or final close". Perhaps he was confused because the words sound similar to a certain degree. However, the phrase "in conclusion" is a normal placeholder taught in IELTS classes so this mistake was really avoidable.

Hi,
In your first reasoning paragraph, your topic sentence mentions that:"... public museums and art galleries had better be opened for the purpose of protecting historical objects and art works from being spoiled." This means that you should use your whole first reasoning paragraph to give reasons or examples that will support your idea that museums and art galleries are needed to conserve historical objects and artworks from being damaging. In fact, I think you are doing fine up until the moment you mention: "Besides, public museums ... Most people would prefer ..." These two sentences are irrelevant to your topic sentence. In other words, they did not support your topic sentence.

In a paragraph, the most important sentence is the topic sentence. This sentence will mention the subject of that whole paragraph. This is why I think you should check whether your points, reasons, and examples in a paragraph are truly supporting your topic sentence.

I hope this helps you. Keep up your good work.